


Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before

by dr_ducktator



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-05
Updated: 2011-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-19 00:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/194944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_ducktator/pseuds/dr_ducktator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared decides to take a philosophy course. Jensen's the teacher. Love and problems ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Your Life. There's No Turning Back

**Author's Note:**

> Lies, all of it.  
> This is the first story I'd ever written for any fandom ever. I don't even think it's a year old yet. So yeah, just keep that in mind. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story title from The Smiths' song of the same name. Chapter title taken from "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears For Fears

It was Jared’s second year of college. He was twenty-one, only a bit older than the rest of the students in his year, as he’d taken a year or so off after high school to ‘figure things out.‘ He still hadn’t figured much out by the time school applications were due, but he’d had a long-time boyfriend, Tait, who’d been at college for a year already, and Jared figured he’d just follow him there (the fact that they were broken up at the moment didn’t matter to Jared; he and Tait had been together on and off for over two years now). Luckily, his best friend, Chad, was also planning on attending the same school, Haven Valley State University. Chad was more of a go-getter than Jared and had been at community college in their hometown, Aldina, for two years. Chad was getting his M.S. in physical therapy, while Jared didn’t have a damn clue about what he wanted to do.

 

Jared was always good at English in high school. He had even written a paper on Camus’ _The Stranger_ , receiving an ‘A’ on the paper and a comment from the teacher asking, “What do you think of the novel existentially?” Whatever the hell that meant. Jared was just excited about the grade. He was a good student; he loved school; he just couldn’t decide what to do with the rest of his life, and he felt like these were things you’re supposed to know before you trundle off to college. No one had told him that it was okay not to know a damned thing.

 

Jared decided to visit HVSU with Chad and see what was what. He applied the next day, was accepted shortly after, and was even able to room with Chad in housing reserved for people going into random medical fields. He was super excited about that because the dorms at HVSU? Fucking awful. It was rumored that, because the college was sort of a hippie-type experiment when it was founded in the 1960’s, if it didn’t work out the dorms could be converted into housing for prisoners. Prisoners. Jesus.

 

The first year of school had been good, Jared getting his science and math requirements the hell out of the way because Jared Padalecki did not do math and science. He and Chad signed up for another year in their room in the “living center” called Hoobler and it was great to live with his best friend. He and Chad had been friends since birth, basically, but they were only really aware of each other’s presence starting around 4-years-old. So August rolled around, and Jared rode down to HVSU with Chad’s family, getting moved in about 2 days before class started.

 

Jared was psyched to start school this fall because he finally got to take more English classes and zero math and science classes. Ah, the joys of attending a school that loved the liberal arts. Jared had three classes he was especially looking forward to: Classical literature, Russian Studies 1, and Intro. to Liberal Arts. He couldn’t wait for Classical Lit. because he loved the Iliad and The Odyssey. Russian was going to be awesome because he’d always been good with languages, and how cool would it be to be able to speak fucking Russian? Finally, he signed up for the liberal arts class because well, it satisfied a general ed. requirement.

 

The fall semester of 2009 flew by, and Jared had decided to declare a major in Russian Studies instead of English. He was good at it; the professor told him so, and being told he was good at something by a teacher had always made Jared swell with pride. He craved that recognition, so he worked hard to get it.

 

Winter semester (yeah, they called it that at HVSU – hey, there’s a hell of a lot of winter in Michigan) changed everything for Jared. Looking back on it years later, he would call it the ‘Welcome to the Rest of Your Life’ semester. He had really enjoyed his liberal arts class, like, a lot, and so he had signed up for a philosophy class this time around. They were in the same family of studies, and Aesthetics sounded really interesting to him, as he took to the arts with vigor. Okay, well, if by taking to the arts with vigor you mean worshipping music, then Jared took to the arts with a fuck ton of vigor.

 

As long as Jared had a computer, he’d been making mixed-CD's. And he didn’t listen to stuff other people his age listened to, like Nickleback or Daughtry or even what his friends considered decent music like The White Stripes. He appreciated The White Stripes for what they were, but nothing about them spoke to him. The music he liked didn’t just speak to him, it made him who he was, and he felt the lyrics so much sometimes a song could make him ache with so much longing he thought he’d pass out. So, he made mixes for himself and for friends, and for the most part his friends were thankful, but they didn’t really _get it_ , at least not in the way Jared wanted them to, the way he got it. He also made mixes for Tait, and for the most part Tait got them, and maybe that’s why they lasted as long as they did, despite breaking up and getting back together umpteen times.

 

And yes, right now they were together, and Jared was pretty happy. But he was beginning to realize how much of an asshole Tait was. Jared knew he meant well, but he also knew Tait was controlling, possessive, and manipulative. He didn’t really feel worthy of love, or of anyone’s love besides Tait’s. And Jared was beginning to understand that that’s how Tait wanted it. Jared was also beginning to realize he didn’t have to remain under Tait’s thumb. He began noticing the looks he got from both men and women. Of course, being well over 6 feet tall garnered him some looks, but there were other looks that were just, well, _different_ , _wanting_. But despite Jared beginning to see what people saw when they looked at him, despite realizing his longish hair was sort of pretty, and his body was something he could maybe be proud of, he lacked the self esteem he didn’t know he could have. So he stayed with Tait because, hey, it wasn’t so bad, right? At least he wasn’t abusive – physically.

 

So Jared focused a lot of emotional energy into the bands he loved, bands his other friends didn’t mind, but weren’t their thing. If you asked Jared who his favorite bands were, his answer was automatic: Duran Duran, The Cure, Depeche Mode, The Smiths (and duh, Morrissey, too), old-school Weezer, Smoking Popes, Rufus Wainwright, and New Order. There were others of course, many others, but that was his autopilot answer. Jared liked recent music, too, but these older songs, songs from a decade he wasn’t really a part of, made him feel like a whole person. Jared believed he’d been born in the wrong year. He had always been convinced he should have been born around 1968, that way he could have seen all of his favorite bands in their heyday.

 

At the start of the winter semester, Jared had made himself a ‘walking across campus’ mix that he believed would accurately reflect his mood as well as the landscape surrounding him. HVSU was small, but the campus was beautiful. The landscaping was breathtaking, and there was a ravine that ran through campus with a giant bridge over it connecting the campus in one place. Jared would get lost in the music; the crossing campus mix featured just The Smiths and Morrissey – perfect for grey skies and cold weather. As Jared listened to his mix while shuffling to his aesthetics class from Hoobler, he fancied himself in a Smiths video, looking sort of artsy and sullen, á la James Dean, just him against the world. And even though he was affecting this posture, he really felt that way sometimes; he was easily overwhelmed by life, especially because Chad was so vivacious and energetic. Jared loved Chad, but often wondered if they hadn’t been friends since birth would they be friends at all.

 

They were rather different people, but their friendship never wavered, even when Jared went through a phase were he only wanted to hang out with these three other boys, Shannon, Brandon, and Kyle. His freshman year in high school saw the four of them inseparable, and Chad was sort of left behind. Chad had other friends sure, but Jared knew he was neglecting his dearest friend. Six years later he still felt like an asshole about it, especially since he was still only close friends with Kyle – it was okay, though, because Kyle and Chad had actually been friends a long time, too; their families were close.

 

Shaken from his trip down memory lane, Jared faced the onslaught of students crossing the ravine bridge, sort of bumping into one another because the bridge wasn’t terribly wide, and Jared was pretty damn big for a 21-year-old. He had just caught the end of “That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore,” and now “I Know It’s Over” (yes, the live version from _Rank_ because fuck, that song could tear his heart out of his chest in the best way possible, even more so than the studio version and that usually wasn’t the case unless he was at the actual concert). Jared made his way to the end of the bridge as Morrissey was crooning “Do you think you can help me?” and continued the short walk to the building that held his aesthetics class.

 

Upon entering the class Jared was nervous. He was always nervous walking into a room people already inhabited. He could feel their eyes on him, and he really didn’t like the feel of anyone’s eyes; it made him very uncomfortable. And, being as tall as he was, the looks seemed unavoidable. He preferred to sit in the back row of every class; that way no one could sit behind him and put shit in his hair like someone had done to him in eighth grade. He was the new kid at a small school that year, and the kids made his life hell on earth until he’d begged his parents to transfer. Having something put in your hair didn’t seem like a big deal, but it was just another thing in a long line of indignities he was suffering. That was the final straw, and it still affected him. Hence wanting to sit where no one could sit behind him.

 

Sighing, Jared took a seat at a too-small desk (to be fair they were all too small for him) against the far wall of the classroom. That way, even though the desk pretty much faced the rest of the class, no one was behind him. Being the good student he was, Jared pulled out a notebook and pen. His notebook, he thought, probably screamed ‘gay!!!’ Jared was out, so it didn’t bother him if people knew, but he still blushed slightly at the cover of his notebook. He had printed out a color picture of a Smiths-era Morrissey wearing his beautiful black horn-rimmed glasses and taped it to the front of his notebook. And Jared had taped the shit out of it, covering the entire image so as not to have it ruined by the constant abuse it would face being pulled out of and put back into his backpack.

 

He had a few minutes to spare before class, so he just sort of stared down at Morrissey, wondering what his Aesthetics class would be like; he hoped he’d get to write a paper on music or something, already imagining how he could fit Duran Duran’s "Lonely In Your Nightmare" into a paper somehow. Class was meant to begin at 10am, and it was now 10:02. Jared had a thing about punctuality, and it made him nuts when people were late. Yeah, Jared was high-strung, sure, but dammit, he was on time. 10:05 rolled around and people were getting restless, the door to the classroom opened and the professor strode in looking only a little flustered.

 

Um, okay. Professors, in Jared’s experience, okay, not all professors, but philosophy professors at least, are supposed to be old, crusty, nearly blind, partially deaf, and very crabby. Professor Ackles was none of these things. Well, maybe crabby, but Jared wasn’t really wondering about that right then because, holy shit, Professor Ackles was really pretty amazing. He was wearing all black, and that made Jared instantly happy because black was his favorite color. And Professor Ackles looked very sort of, well, dapper, Jared figured. He had on black trousers, black Kenneth Cole shoes, and a black button-up shirt with a grey-ish undershirt that just showed above the buttons. But the killer part was, Professor Ackles was wearing glasses nearly identical to those Morrissey was sporting on the cover of Jared’s notebook.

 

Jared blushed. He’d never gotten a crush on one of his teachers before, but hey, then was as good a time as any to start. He allowed himself to gaze at his new crush for a while, noting his soft-looking yet sort of spiky hair, his freckles (shit, was Jared a sucker for freckles), and his _lips_. Sweet Jesus. Jared was pretty sure that the Trojan War was started because of lips like those and not because of fucking Helen of Troy. Jared was smiling to himself wondering if Ackles was Helen of Troy in a past life, because those lips could totally launch a million ships, let alone a thousand. Tearing himself away from the most amazing lips he’d ever seen in his life, Jared decided he should maybe pay attention to what Professor Ackles was saying since he was actually trying to get credit for this class.

 

“Good morning everyone, I apologize for being late. It seems no matter what I do I’m always a little late, so just sort of expect that, I guess. I’m Jensen Ackles, I have a Ph.D. in philosophy, so you can call me Professor Ackles, or Dr. Ackles, or even Jensen, but please don’t call me Mr. Ackles. Getting a doctorate is really hard, so I’ve earned the Dr. part. I also have a Master’s degree, so if you like, you can call me Master.” Jared chuckled at that. He wasn’t sure if anyone else did, but he certainly enjoyed the joke, and was pretty relieved to see the hot doctor had a sense of humor.

 

Clearing his throat after the apparently failed joke, Ackles continued, “This class will focus on aesthetics, which is, in philosophy, thinking about, writing about, and talking about beauty. The discussion of beauty has been running throughout philosophy beginning with the ancient Greeks, and we will continue their great tradition, beginning with their thoughts on the matter continuing on to modern thinkers. With that said, let’s just chat a little bit, shall we? What is beauty?”

 _You_ , Jared thought. _You are beauty_.

 

The class continued on with Jared only mildly paying attention to what students were saying and focusing on what Ackles was saying, as he was furiously taking notes trying not to miss a word that fell from those lips. Near the end of class Ackles pulled some note cards out from his briefcase-thing he brought with him to class and passed them out to his students. Jared was seated near the front and Ackles glanced down at Jared’s notebook and then at Jared. Jared sort of froze in his seat, blushing nearly purple he thought, and Ackles just looked at him and kind of smirked. Jared wasn’t sure what to make of the smirk. Was it because Ackles thought it was funny that Jared, this big dude-ish looking guy had some nerdy guy plastered to the front of his notebook? Or was it because Ackles recognized Morrissey? He couldn’t be a Smiths fan, could he? Nah, no way. That would have been too epically awesome to deal with.

 

Ackles returned to the board and made a list of things he wanted the students to include on the cards. “These cards are for my general information about you, so I can remember you better. So, I’d like you to include your name, email address, major, and something fun; let’s say favorite band. When you’re done, bring them up to my desk and you’re free to go. I look forward to seeing you all Thursday.”

 

 _Holy shit_ , Jared thought. _Favorite band? Like, I can only list one?_ Jared was used to his auto-answer, his little handy list of bands he could just lay out before whomever asked, but he had to pick just one? Well, seeing as how he was listening to the Smiths on his way to class, and the weather was very Smiths-y, Jared turned to his notecard.

Name: Jared Tristan Padalecki

Email: jtpadal@hvsu.edu

Major: Russian studies

Favorite band: The Smiths

 

There. Done. No take-backs. What did this professor care anyway? I mean, really? But Jared couldn’t help but feel the need to explain that The Smiths weren’t his be-all and end-all favorite band on the planet. Man, he needed to loosen up a bit; Ackles probably didn’t give a shit about what Jared liked, anyway.

 

Upon leaving aesthetics class that day, Jared was feeling a bit more exuberant than the Smiths may have allowed, and despite the still gloomy and cold weather, Jared turned his i-pod to a different mix, a poppier, happier mix, and hit play. This time Metric’s ‘Help I’m Alive’ trickled down the line into his headphones, and he happily returned to Hoobler, excited to tell Chad about his hot new professor.

 

Arriving back at his and Chad’s room in the bottom floor of Hoobler, Jared unceremoniously slung himself up onto Chad’s lofted bed. They’d lofted their beds soon after they moved in because it gave them more room; with the beds lofted they could have their desks underneath, which is where Chad was sitting when Jared plopped down above him.

 

“Jesus Christ, Jay, can’t you climb into a loft like a normal human being and not make your gigantorness so fucking obvious?”

“Gigantorness?” Jared asked.

 

“Yes, gigantorness. Now tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours that’s got you excited enough to try and crush me under my own bed.”

 

And then Jared launched into it. “Oh my god, Chad, he’s so gorgeous! And smart and eloquent, and he wears Morrissey glasses, Chad, fucking _Morrissey glasses_. Oooh! And all black! He was dressed entirely in black!”

 

“Who the hell are you talking about, Jay? Did you meet some emo gay boy in one of your classes?”

 

“Oh. Uh. No. He’s Jensen. I mean, Professor Ackles. He’s my philosophy professor.”

 

“Hell no. Hellllllll no. Jared, come on. Seriously?”

 

“Yes, Chad. Seriously. He’s seriously hot. Don’t worry; I’m not all in love with him or anything, he’s just _really_ hot. Class is gonna be awesome!”

 

“Okay, man. Well, I’m glad you’re all giddy about philosophy. Hey, can I palpate you?”

 

“Dude, shut up. You’re not gay, and I don’t think you’re even remotely hot.”

 

“Oh my god. I thought you were smart or some shit. Palpate. Like, poke around at your joints. For class. I need to be able to do stuff in my practical classes, and I need to practice. It will be like a mini massage.”

 

“God, Chad, and I thought you were supposed to be smart. I was just messing with you. I know what palpate means. And yes, you can. Just make it goooood, baby. And I like happy endings.”

 

Jared hopped down to their giant window seat, while Chad muttered “Fucker” and smacked Jared upside his head, while Jared giggled and settled in for his ‘mini massage’.


	2. Welcome to Your Life. There's No Turning Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears For Fears."

Afterwards, Jared settled in to work on his Aesthetics homework, even though it was only Tuesday evening; class wasn’t until Thursday, and he had loads of Russian homework to do. Russian was easy for him, though. Partially because the professor was so good and patient, and partially because he had a knack for it. Opening up the first book Professor Ackles had assigned the class, Jared knew he was in for it. It was Rainer Maria Rilke’s _Letters to A Young Poet_.

 

Jared noted the reading assignment, grabbed his trusty bright yellow highlighter, and set to work. By the time he glanced up from the book, having read and reread the assigned pages at least three times, it was pitch black outside and Jared had to blink to make sure he wasn’t imagining he’d been so caught up in a book of letters that he’d lost that much track of time. It was 11pm according to his desk clock, and now that he had torn his eyes from the pages, he realized he was really tired. He really liked Rilke. And he really wanted to impress Professor Ackles. He wasn’t exactly sure why yet, but he knew he wanted his approval, and maybe more…

 

But before Jared could get up from his desk to brush his teeth and climb into bed, he kept returning to a certain passage from the book, from the 7th letter, actually:

“It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.”

 

After reading the passage for about the tenth time, Jared released the breath he didn’t know he was holding, and wasn’t completely sure that the light-headedness he felt was from holding that breath so long, or because this passage and this letter overall, made him ache like music made him ache. Yeah, he loved Rilke.

 

Finally closing the book and meandering toward the bathroom, Jared squeezed some toothpaste onto his toothbrush and decided, while doing the simple task of brushing his teeth, that he not only loved Rilke, but philosophy as well. For if Rilke was part of philosophy and philosophy could make him ache like music did, then he didn’t want to do anything else for the rest of his life. Jared knew he was a little bit too romantic and idealistic, but he didn’t give a fuck.

 

 

Thursday morning (finally!) rolled around, and Jared couldn’t wait to get to class and listen to Professor Ackles talk about Rilke. He was dying to know if Rilke affected him like it did Jared.

Ackles rolled into class late, again, but Jared didn’t mind so much. He was willing to wait for perfection. Today, Jared noticed, Ackles was wearing black jeans and a charcoal grey sweater that had a little zipper at the top. It was zipped down as far as it would go, and Jared spied just a small vee of his professor’s chest, the beginnings of collar bones, and yes, more freckles. He almost choked on the Diet Pepsi he’d brought to class because seeing more freckles made him wonder if those freckles were…everywhere. Professor Ackles set his giant coffee cup on his desk (“I have to have coffee or I will die, so feel free to bring me as much as you want,” he’d told the class) and unpacked Rilke, a notebook, and the note cards he’d given them on the first day of class.

 

“Okay, everyone, we’re beginning _Letters to a Young Poet_ today. What did you think?” Silence ensued. “Hmm, okay, well, let’s just start with the first letter, and if there’s something you’d like to talk about, just ask, okay?” The class sort of grumbled in agreement and got their books out. “I thought what we would do, instead of going line-by-line through the entirety of the letter, is just point out a line here and there and see how it affects you, if it does at all. I will start. Here is just one of my favorite moments in the first letter:

 

“This most of all, ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse.”

 

As Ackles read the passage, Jared listened, but also sort of spaced out, letting his professor’s soft voice wash over him. He couldn’t quite describe Jensen’s (yes, he wanted to call him Jensen, so badly) voice. Yes, it was soft. But sometimes it was rough and low, and when Jensen hit those notes, especially while reading Rilke aloud, Jared had to shift in his impossibly tiny desk to find comfort for his erection that seemed to appear out of nowhere. As Jared spaced out further, he imagined Jensen whispering low and dirty into his ear, and Jared shivered, almost violently so. “Jared, are you okay? Jared?” By the time Jared heard his name, he realized it was falling from Jensen’s lips. Jared glanced at the clock and realized twenty minutes had passed by while he was in fantasy land holding hands and skipping along with Jensen as “Just Like Heaven” by the Cure echoed all around them.

 

“Are you with us, Jared? You sort of vibrated in your desk for a second,” Jensen continued, a look of genuine concern filling his oh fuck no, his Kermit the Frog-green eyes. Jared hadn’t been able to see the color before, but now, with Jensen standing over him, he couldn’t not see them.

 

“Uh, shit, I mean, sorry, yeah I’m okay.” And before Jared could look like an even bigger asshole, he saved himself with, “I was just thinking that there’s something in Letter 7 I’d like to ask about.”

 

“Letter 7? We’re not supposed to cover that until Tuesday.” And Jensen hadn’t said it in a mean tone, but rather a surprised and sort of pleased one. “Do you mind if we hold off on that one until then, Jared?”

 

“Oh yeah, sure, no problem.” Jared’s face felt like it must have been rather strawberry-looking because he was blushing like a ten-year-old girl.

 

“Excellent. But make sure you don’t forget what it is, I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to say.” And Jared could swear Jensen was smiling shyly at him.

 

Of course, before his normal-person filter could kick in, Jared heard himself saying, while still blushing like an idiot, “You are?”

 

“Of course!” Jensen replied. Then he turned back to the rest of the class to say, “Philosophy is a process, and part of that process is discussion, which is why part of your grade depends on class participation, everyone. Western philosophy began with Socrates, who used the elenchus, or Socratic Method, as you may have heard it called, to get people to enter into dialogues with him. He was searching for answers to life’s most important questions, and he believed we could find those answers when we talked to each other about our ideas.”

 

 _The dude is a fucking poet_ , Jared thought. _Everything that comes out of this man is like lyrics._

And before that final thought could cross his mind, class was over, and Jared would have to wait until Tuesday to see Jensen again and talk about what it was about Rilke’s 7th letter that made him ache inside.

 

That weekend was spent in a lazy way, playing video games or watching movies with Chad. Jared was basically counting the minutes until Tuesday when he could see Jensen again.

 

He took his time walking to class Tuesday, realizing he’d left way too early and didn’t want to look too eager by getting to class fifteen minutes before it started. So he sat for a little while outside the liberal arts building, listening to Rufus Wainwright nasally, but perfectly, singing “April Fools Day.” He was getting lost in the music, as he usually did, and as Rufus was serenading Jared with “And you will believe in love, and all that it’s sposed to be,” he was startled by the man that appeared in front of him. It was HIM. Jensen. In front of him. Seeing him all lost and stupid-looking while he listened to music. Shit.

 

“Good morning, Jared, how are you today?”

 

 _Why the hell is he always late when he’s at the building like, ten minutes early?_ Jared was thinking, but he replied with, “I’m good, Profes- Jensen. Just enjoying the cool weather and a little Rufus before class. How are you?”

 

“Well, considering my lack of coffee thus far, I’m okay, but I have to go grab a cup, so I will see you in class, yeah?”

 

“Of course. Wouldn’t miss it for anything.” _Jesus Christ, really? He had to say that?_

 

Jensen chuckled quietly and said, “Well that’s good to know. See you soon.” And walked in the direction in which, Jared assumed, coffee lived.

 

Class was almost over, and Jared finally worked up the nerve to ask Jensen about the passage from Letter 7. “Jensen? Can I read you this passage and get your thoughts on it?” Jensen nodded, seeming to have a look in his eyes that said, “I wondered when the hell you were finally going to ask.”

 

So Jared finished the passage and just looked at Jensen, waiting for him to say something, anything. Jared needed validation, pronto.

 

“That’s a passage I’ve puzzled over since I read that book, too, Jared. Rilke speaks of love in a way I’ve rarely seen others do it, and it’s so painful and hopeful all at the same time. Rilke sees love as the foundation for everything else we do. Love is the greatest thing we can do. And we must do it. We can’t not do it. And, judging by the numerous songs written about love, I think Rilke is on to something there.” He smiled that sort of shy smile again while rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand, as if to indicate that he wasn’t sure if he was right about what he was saying. _Jesus, that smile will end me_ , Jared thought. “Why Jared, what do you think about it?”

 

Knowing he couldn’t be as articulate about his feelings about the passage as Jensen was, he said, “Well, I just liked that Rilke didn’t say who was meant to love whom. Like, he didn’t say it could only be men and women. I liked that.” And Jared cast his eyes down when he was finished speaking because he wasn’t sure how Jensen would react to what Jared believed was his obvious “Yep I’m gay” statement.

 

When he finally did look up, Jensen was looking at him kindly, and said, “I have always liked that, too, Jared.” And his statement just sort of hung there, like he was saying something he wanted Jared to understand. This, of course, was all in Jared’s mind because he could swear he saw some sort of glimmer in Jensen’s eye, and he refused to believe it was directed at him or the big gay admission he’d just made.

 

And with that, Jensen dismissed the class, just a few minutes early, telling everyone he looked forward to reading Heidegger with them on Thursday. Gathering up his gear and shoving his Morrissey notebook into his backpack, Jared quietly made his way up to the desk where Jensen was packing up his own belongings.

 

“Um, Jensen? Could I talk to you for a minute?”

 

“Sure, Jared. Let’s walk over to my office.”

 

Jared nodded, feeling little butterflies flapping happily in his stomach at the thought of having Jensen all to himself.


	3. You're Gonna Need Someone Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "You're Gonna Need Someone On Your Side" by Morrissey.

Jensen’s office was just across the hall and down a bit from their classroom, and man, the office was tiny. It was very boring inside, except for a poster he had put up. There were no windows and the walls were a hideous shade of cream, or eggshell or something equally yucky. One of the posters Jensen had up was of some dude named Francois Truffaut (whoever the hell that was), and he had some smaller pictures up here and there. One caught Jared’s eye especially: it was a postcard-sized print of Andy Warhol’s rendering of Mao. Jared’s breath caught because just when he thought Jensen couldn’t get cooler, he did. Jared loved Warhol.

 

Jensen asked Jared to have a seat, and he sat in the chair opposite him. The room was filled with books, and Jared couldn’t help but gape at the sheer number of them. He’d always loved books. He wanted a library in his own home someday. Like, a legit library, with a ladder and mahogany and all that shit. But, you know, classy. Jared continued looking around while Jensen settled into his office. He finally turned to Jared, ready to listen.

 

“So, Jensen, I was thinking about philosophy. I really like it. Like, really. So I was wondering if I could major in it? I’d be taking on a double major, this and Russian, but loads of people do that, and I’ve just been loving the class, so I think it’s something I’d really like to do.”

 

Jensen looked at him for just a moment, and said, “Well, Jared, I think you’d be good at it. I mean, I don’t know you very well, but you seem to really engage the material. You seem to be struggling with it in a very good way. Um, I think I could be your advisor in the program, but let me go check with Dr. Rowe to see how it all works, okay?”

 

“Sure, okay!” Jensen left the office.

 

Jared took more time to just soak in his surroundings, _Jensen’s surroundings_ , he thought. Just being in this private little place, a place where he figured Jensen sat and thought and worried about big philosophical problems got Jared excited all over again. _Fuck._ To be safe, Jared hauled his book bag onto his lap to cover any evidence of his erection, and none too soon, as Jensen was just making his way back in the office.

 

“So, um, Dr. Rowe says I can take you on as an advisee, and you will actually be my first here at HVSU, so that’s cool.”

 

“Really? Your first? Why’s that?” Jared asked.

 

“Well, this is my second year here, and I guess no one’s liked philosophy enough, or at least the way I teach it enough to take on the major.”

 

“I think you’re a great teacher.” Jared spoke quietly, blushing and smiling in a combination he was sure made him look like some sort of terrifying clown.

 

“Thank you, Jared, that means a lot to me.” Jared could swear Jensen was blushing now.

 

“So, you like The Cure, huh?” Jensen asked, motioning to Jared’s bag that he was still holding on his lap in a death grip. Jared’s backpack was purple (his favorite color besides black) and he had all manner of patches and pins and drawings on it. The biggest patch was one that was a Cure logo from the _Mixed Up_ era; Jared had found it at a flea market or something and was so excited he almost choked. Now it was safety pinned very securely, thank you very much, to his bag.

 

“I looove them.” He replied, somewhat croakily, trying really hard not to burst out of his skin with excitement because _Jensen was talking to him about music._

 

“What about The Smiths? Do you like them?” At this point Jensen was sort of leaning forward in his chair examining Jared’s bag with a look of interest and amusement on his face.

 

“Yes!” Jared almost yelled it. “Oh my God, I love them. I was actually listening to a mix of theirs I made on the first day of your class!” Okay, if Jared wasn’t already completely infatuated with Jensen before his question about the Smiths, he certainly fucking was now.

 

“I noticed Morrissey on your notebook, s’why I asked. I’m a big Smiths fan, too.”

 

“Do you like Morrissey’s solo stuff?” Jared had to know; this question was very important to him.

 

“Actually, I don’t know his solo stuff as much. My older brother Josh was really into the Smiths when we were younger, but he didn’t have any Morrissey stuff, and I sorta missed out on all that. But I’m open to the idea.”

 

“I could make you a mixed CD of Morrissey’s solo stuff! I mean, some people hate his solo stuff, and some people _only_ like his solo stuff, and I’m right in the middle I guess, because man, his voice is so velvety and croony, and his lyrics just _kill_ me in the best way, you know? Well, I guess you don’t know, do you?” _Jared, stop the verbal diarrhea right the fuck now._ But despite his internal warning system, Jared just kept right on going. “I have a DVD of Smiths videos, too! I could lend it to you, if you want. And I have a Morrissey one, so you know, you could borrow both if you’re interested.”

 

“Wow, okay, yeah, um, sure, that sounds great. All three of those sound great. But you know, don’t let the mix get in the way of your course work.”

 

Jensen grinned at him over his glasses and Jared was sure he was going to pass out because all the blood in his head was rushing way too quickly to his nether region. _Christ, how could anyone, let alone anyone this cool be so beautiful?_ He figured if he could write his final paper on how Jensen Ackles, Ph.D. personified beauty, he would ace the shit out of it.

 

He wanted to stay with Jensen all day and grill him about his taste in music, but he didn’t want to be a pest. Besides, he had a mix to get home and make! But not like, right away, because he didn’t want to seem too eager.

 

“Okay, well, thank you Jensen, for being my advisor. I’m really excited.”

 

“I am too, Jared. We’ll get together soon and talk about a study plan. Are you free after class Thursday? We could meet at the little café by campus at say, 2?”

 

“Sure, that works. Awesome, thanks! See you Thursday.”

 

And Jared turned, oh-so carefully, so that he still held his bag in front of him, and got out the door of Jensen’s office with what he hoped wasn’t a too-obvious display of a total lack of self control. He totally felt like Sandy Frink in _Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion_ , but there was no way in hell he was going to carry a giant notebook around to hide his erection.

 

Still, despite his attempts at stealth erection-hiding, Jared could swear he saw Jensen smirking as he went to close his office door. _Great_ , he thought.

 

Jared sort of ran-walked to Hoobler, so excited to get started on the Morrissey mix he was going to make for Jensen. Chad wasn’t home when Jared got there, but there was a note on their white board on the door. “Went to study group, don’t wait up, honey.” Chad signed it with little hearts and flowers all over it, and Jared snorted. _Dork._ Chad probably was at study group, but he didn’t need to study all that much. Chad, despite his best efforts to appear to the contrary, was really smart, and kicked ass and pretty much whatever he did. Jared figured he’d found some girl to hit on. He’d hear about it sooner or later.

 

Jared wanted to be able to give his full attention to Jensen’s CD, so he blew through his other homework before even thinking about opening his iTunes. After about 2 hours of homework (yeah, that really was blowing through it) he finally got started on the mix. He didn’t have a name picked out for it yet, but that would come as he compiled it. That was how it worked for Jared: he’d begin putting songs into a new mix category, and once he had all the songs he could fit into the mix, he’d begin arranging them, and then a name would present itself. It was a magical process, and Jared fucking loved it. He truly believed making a mix was a form of art. And yeah, he owned _High Fidelity_. Hell, he’d seen it a gazillion times. And damn it, Rob Gordon was right: when you make a mix for somebody you use someone else’s poetry to express how you feel, and it’s a fucking delicate and intricate process.

 

Jared knew it would be impossible for him to put together a Morrissey mix for Jensen without letting his infatuation shine through. Though, come to think of it, Jared was pretty sure his feelings for Jensen were quickly moving beyond infatuation into something more serious. Now, if he could only figure Jensen out. Jared had no idea if Jensen was gay, but his agreeing with Jared on his comment about Rilke seemed to indicate he may be at least bisexual. He didn’t think Jensen was married; there was no wedding ring, and from the time he spent scanning his office, he didn’t see pictures of a wife. So, Jared concluded from the teeny bit of “evidence” he had, combined with just the way he felt around Jensen, that his professor was gay. He hoped like hell he was, anyway.

 

The mix was part of Jared’s new master plan: woo Jensen via music. This was not a new concept for Jared. He loved being able to express his feelings through other people’s lyrics, and he knew if anyone could give Jensen a hint, it was Stephen Patrick Morrissey. Never mind that Jensen was his professor, or the ethics Jensen would be violating if he started up a relationship with Jared that went beyond teacher/student or advisor/advisee. Jared wasn’t stupid, he knew there were major risks involved, but he also knew they were both consenting adults. Well, both consenting once Jensen consented, that is. Jared didn’t need to be asked twice; he’d consent to whomever he needed to as long as he could even just kiss Jensen.

 

Shaking thoughts of soft, sweet, perfect kisses out of his head, Jared opened up iTunes, started a mix file aptly named “Jensen” then searched his iTunes for Morrissey, beginning his quest to find the songs that would become the mix that would set Jensen on the path to falling in love with Jared. And yeah, Jared wasn’t in love with Jensen yet, but he figured there was no harm in giving Jensen a head start in getting there.

 

Upon completing the mix, Jared realized that this wouldn’t be the mix to totally win Jensen’s love because, well, he had to put songs on there that weren’t all ‘I love you’ type songs. And that was okay. Jared wanted Jensen to be able to enjoy an array of Morrissey songs as well as fall in love with him. But he already had a plan for his next mix; that would be the kicker. He didn’t know when he’d give it to Jensen, but he was sure that, just like the titles of his mixes, it would just come to him. He ejected “Who Put the ‘M’ in Manchester?” (the name of the Morrissey mix – taken from a Morrissey album and DVD of the same name) and created the tracklist/envelope thingy to keep the CD safe until Thursday.

Who Put the ‘M’ in Manchester? Jensen, re-meet Morrissey.

1\. Seasick, Yet Still Docked

2\. The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get

3\. Trouble Loves Me

4\. The Last of the Famous International Playboys

5\. To Me You are a Work of Art

6\. Will Never Marry

7\. Everyday is Like Sunday

8\. We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

9\. Jack the Ripper

10\. I Like You

11\. Do Your Best and Don’t Worry

12\. Suedehead

13\. You’re Gonna Need Someone On Your Side

14\. That’s How People Grow Up

15\. Irish Blood, English Blood

16\. Interesting Drug

17\. Tomorrow

18\. Boy Racer

19\. Now My Heart is Full

20\. Whatever Happens, I Love You

21\. Let Me Kiss You

Having finished writing out the songs, Jared glanced over the list and smiled to himself. _Okay, so this won’t win him over, but it will, I hope, drop all the hints I want to drop in all the right places._


	4. Then At Midnight I Can't Get You Out of My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Trouble Loves Me" by Morrissey.

Jared’s other classes just didn’t interest him like philosophy, both because of Jensen (duh) and because he really liked philosophy. His Wednesday classes went by smoothly, and Jared returned to his room in Hoobler to read the Heidegger for philosophy class he didn’t get to because he was catching up on other homework and engaging in the very important work of making Jensen’s mix. Chad was there, looking at some book on wound care, and Jared glanced over his shoulder to see some horrible looking gaping wound on a leg.

 

“Ugh! What the fuck _is_ that, Chad? You’re studying physical therapy! What does a gaping gangrenous wound have to do with physical therapy? There aren’t maggots in that picture, are there? You know I will lose it if there are, man.”

 

“Fucking relax, princess. Wound care is part of the whole physical therapy thing. I mean, I don’t think I will have to do a lot of it, but I have to know what I’m doing. And don’t be such a baby, Padalecki. Now sit down, because I need to talk to you.”

 

Jared knew this had to be at least mildly serious, because Chad never wanted to _talk_ unless it involved girls.

 

“Okay dude, so you know how I was at that study group the other night?” Jared nodded. “Well, I wasn’t studying; I mean, I was, but I was there because there’s this girl there, Sophia, and she’s amazing. She has long, dark hair and sorta pale skin, and she’s really smart.”

 

“Okay, sweet, Chad. What’s the problem?”

 

“Well, I don’t think she really knows I’m alive. I mean, we were at a study group, and we were at opposite ends of the table, so we didn’t get to talk a whole lot. But I did make her laugh a few times and that was pretty amazing feeling. So, you’re good with people. What do you think I should do?”

 

“Have you actually tried talking to her?”

 

“Um, no, not really.”

 

“Shit, man, you have to at least try. And you’re not even shy, Chad! Just do what I would do, you know, ask her about music.”

 

“Music! Dude, you know I don’t love music like you do. I mean, you don’t really love music man, you like, obsess over it. I think if you could stalk music you’d have like 50 restraining orders against you.”

 

“Fine, man, fuck you. You asked my advice, so I told you.”

 

“Ugh, Jay, I’m sorry man. I’m just nervous as hell. I really like Sophia.”

 

“God, you’re oblivious. It doesn’t have to be about music, genius. Ask her about something you’re interested in that isn’t totally something only you’d be interested in. Something like a movie coming out that looks funny. Or why don’ t you ask her how she got into PT in the first place?”

 

“Ooooh, that’s a good plan, man. I knew you’d know what’s up, what with your special sensitive gay powers!”

 

Chad always teased Jared about his ‘gay powers’ and Jared liked to tease Chad about his complete lack of anything cool. It evened out.

 

“It’s not like you’ve never had a girlfriend, man, why are you so freaked out about this one?”

 

“I dunno, Jay, I just am.”

 

And with that, Chad sat back down to gaze (what Jared could swear was longingly) at a new disgusting wound in that God-awful book.

 

Feeling happy to have helped resolve Chad’s minor crisis, Jared set out to read Heidegger. He figured Rilke was pretty awesome, so Heidegger had just as much awesome potential.

 

“The Origin of the Work of Art” was nothing like _Letters to A Young Poet_. Holy shit. Jared had never read anything so difficult in his life. He reached the phrase “the world worlds” and that was fucking _it_. Jared loved books, revered them even, but that bit of sentence did him in and he tossed the book off the top of his loft where he was reading. It landed in a loud smack on the concrete floor barely covered by crappy carpeting. He groaned loudly, wishing Chad hadn’t shot out of the room like a bolt of lightning when he thought he’d be late for study group, or rather, woo Sophia time; Jared really wanted to whine about Heidegger right now, and Chad was always good for that kind of thing. That’s when it hit him: he’d whine to Jensen about Heidegger! Jesus, why hadn’t he thought of that before?

 

Nearly breaking a leg to get out of his bed and down to his laptop he’d left on his desk, he quickly brought up his school email account and opened up a new message:

 

Hi Jensen,

Okay, I don’t know what do to. I’m reading Heidegger, and I get to “the world worlds” and I threw the book on the floor. Am I missing something? Am I dumb? I feel really dumb right now. What the hell does Heidegger mean?

Thanks,

Jared

 

Feeling a little better about telling someone about his Heidegger woes Jared still felt squidgy because he’d actually emailed Jensen. He was dying to hear back from him, so he kept checking his email every 2 minutes. Finally, about 2 hours later, Jared received a reply:

 

Dear Jared,

Don’t feel too bad about not understanding Heidegger on your first read. Philosophers who’ve read him for years still do battle with him on a daily basis. We will discuss the world’s worlding tomorrow in class, but the quick and dirty of it is that everything that there is has its own thing that it does, even the world. And he doesn’t mean it in the sense of the planet, but in the sense of the world we live in, our world, our surroundings. That’s really too brief an explanation, and I fear it will throw you deeper into confusion, but we will try and sort it all out tomorrow, I promise. I just didn’t want to leave you hanging or have you thinking I didn’t care.

Just put Heidegger down for the night and relax. Listen to The Smiths. But you know, sit and actively listen ‘cause the devil will find work for idle hands to do, don’t ya know?

Have a good night. See you in class.

-Jensen

 

p.s. We still on for 2 at the café?

 

Jared tried to play it cool, you know, not to email Jensen back too quickly, but he just couldn’t help himself. His hands were shaking a little as he hit the ‘reply’ button and began to type.

 

Hey Jensen,

Thanks for your help. I’m still confused, yeah, but I think you helped me a bit and I’m sure I will feel better after class tomorrow. I will be sure to ask you any lingering questions I may have at the café. At 2. And hey, I have a few things for you.

-Jay

 

After he’d sent his reply, Jared read through Jensen’s email again, once to try and absorb what Jensen had said about Heidegger, and again because holy shit, did he quote The Smiths? He did! Jensen fucking quoted “What Difference Does It Make?” in an email to Jared. Yeah, Jared was screwwwwed.

 

He was so screwed, in fact, that the realization that Jensen spoke to him through the Smiths made him hot as hell. Jared knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep with that thought on his mind, so he decided to take a shower, you know, to take the edge off.

 

The shower in their room was stupidly big. Seriously, you could have a party in the shower. Of course, the size of the shower lent itself nicely to the fantasy Jared was currently entertaining under the wonderfully warm water cascading down his back as he leaned on one arm against the far shower wall with his eyes closed and breaths coming in shallow huffs. Jared squeezed a small amount of shower gel into his hand and began stroking himself slowly, thoroughly enjoying the sensation from the water on his back and his hand sliding smoothly on his cock.

 

He imagined Jensen not in the shower with him, but sitting at a desk, maybe at his house. Jensen was working on something, looking incredibly smart and sexy as fuck, and Jared was standing behind him nibbling gently on his right ear being as distracting as possible. Jared’s attempts were working, because Jensen moaned softly, tilting his head to give Jared better access to his quarry.

 

“Jensen, I want you _now_ ,” Jared whispered in the same ear, and Jensen whirled around in his chair, grabbed Jared and pulled him down onto his lap. They kissed deeply, almost angrily, because the tension was too much between them. Jared broke the kiss and dropped to his knees in front of Jensen and quickly unbuttoned and unzipped the black trousers Jensen had on.

 

Pulling Jensen out of his pants, he glanced up to see Jensen panting, eyes glossy and pupils so open, the green Jared loved was almost nonexistent. Jensen’s lips were parted, and the look on his face was all Jared needed to see before he took Jensen in his mouth, sucking hard. Jensen almost jumped out of the chair, and before Jared could pin him down properly…the fantasy was over because Jared came.

 

Jared always came at this part of the fantasy, and every time it felt just as good as before. He noticed that he’d painted the wall in front of him in white stripes, always surprised at how much came out of him, because he’d been having the same fantasy for almost 2 weeks now. He had his mouth on the hand that was supporting him in the shower and he’d almost drawn blood he was biting down so hard so as not to scream the tiles off the shower walls. His orgasm was fucking intense, and he didn’t need all of Hoobler knowing it. Weak-legged, Jared quickly cleaned himself off and turned off the shower.

 

Yeah, he was ready for bed.


	5. Rejection Is One Thing, But Rejection From A Fool Is Cruel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "I Don't Mind If You Forget Me" by Morrissey.

For Jared, every day that wasn’t Tuesday or Thursday was pretty much torture. Thursday morning came, and he bolted out of bed about two hours earlier than he needed to, so excited to give Jensen his CD.

 

Jared didn’t really hear a whole lot of what Jensen was saying in class that day, despite his need to figure out just what the fuck was going on with Heidegger. He was too keyed up about his meeting with Jensen later to really concentrate on the being of Being or the worlding of the world. _I mean really_ , thought Jared, _who the hell thinks like that?_

 

Jensen dismissed class, and Jared walked by his desk looking sheepish. As he passed by, Jensen smiled at him, saying “See you later, Jared.”

 

Jared didn’t say anything, just sort of nodded, too lost in Jensen’s smile. It was a new sort of smile, he realized, not shy this time, but open and happy. Jensen had these little crinkles on the sides of his eyes that looked like they should be on someone much older, but on Jensen they just made him look so kind. Jared couldn’t wait to try and make him smile that smile more. He _needed_ to see it, he quickly realized. He’d only seen it just this once, just now, but he was already hooked.

 

Jared had a little time to kill before meeting Jensen at the café, just over two hours, so he walked over to Tait’s apartment. He hadn’t talked to Tait a whole lot recently, partially because Jared was busy getting into the swing of the new semester, and Tait was going on various job interviews, having finished his film degree during Jared’s first year. But Tait still lived near campus, because he lived with three other guys who were still in school. It had only been like three days since they’d talked on the phone, and maybe another two since they’d seen each other, but their relationship had changed. Jared still believed he would be happier without him, but Tait still had the ability to make him believe that Jared didn’t really deserve love from anyone but him.

 

Despite Jared knowing that wasn’t the case, he couldn’t seem to separate himself from Tait. It drove him nuts. Jared also believed that some part of him was still in love with Tait, even though his masturbatory fantasies had featured Jensen as of late, and he felt he owed it to both of them to try and make their over 3-year relationship work.

 

It took him about 10 minutes to walk from his philosophy class over to HVSU Apartments and knock on apartment 6. He knew Tait would be home because he saw his car in the parking lot. Tait answered the door, smiled at Jared and let him in, closing the door behind him.

 

“Hey babe,” Tait said and kissed Jared on the lips rather chastely.

 

Jared couldn’t help but notice the air between them was a little chilly.

 

“Hey. How are you? Sorry it’s been so long since we’ve hung out. Just super busy, you know?”

 

Tait snorted. “Yeah, it’s okay. I know school keeps you too busy to see me.”

 

“Dude, getting together works both ways. It’s not like you’ve been hounding me to hang out, either.” Tait’s insinuation pissed Jared off; there was no way he was taking the blame for their relationship going to shit.

 

“Jared, I’m trying to get a job, and I’m writing a screenplay. I’m sorry if I’ve been distracted, but this shit’s important. I can’t imagine you’d get that, though.” That comment got Jared’s back up even more. Tait annoyed him so easily now.

 

“Why wouldn’t I get that? How long have I sat and watched your student films and read your ideas and supported you when no one else would? Who else would be okay with you putting some twink-y looking boy in your movie and calling his character by my name? And don’t fucking tell me you don’t have a thing for him, Tait, because I know you do.”

 

“Yeah, it’s a crush, Jared, it’s not a big deal,” Tait spat back. Jared hated how Tait could belittle him so effortlessly.

 

“So when I called you to hang out last week and you couldn’t because you had to work on the film, you were with him, weren’t you?”

 

“Yeah, but it’s not like anything happened,” he said, waving his hand. “We were working. We have a lot in common. Nathan likes to make films and I like to make films and we sort of click.”

 

“Okay, well fuck it. You have a crush on Nathan. I get it. And it’s not like it’s the end of the world. But damn it, Tait, you blew me off to hang out with him, and I’m not okay with that. If you have a crush and would rather be with him than me, that tells me something.”

 

“What, Jared? What does it tell you? That he’s more interesting than you? Because yeah, he is. He isn’t needy like you, either, Jared. He doesn’t need me to tell him if he looks okay or not every five minutes.”

 

“Fuck you, Tait!’ Jared said, getting in his face. “You’re the one that reduced me to that! You control everything about me! I can’t wear certain colors because you say they make me look stupid, or I’m not allowed to grow out my hair any longer than this,” Jared said, as he tucked his hair behind his ears.

 

When he began growing it out, Tait told him he looked like a _fag_ with long hair, and it hurt Jared so deeply he could hear Tait hiss it in his ear every time he looked in the mirror. It was a major act of defiance, Jared believed, to have his hair that long in spite of Tait’s cruelty.

 

“You know what, Jared? I don’t want to deal with this right now. Why don’t you just fuck off for a while and talk to me when you’re ready to stop being such a bitch about everything.” With that, Tait shoved him out the door and slammed it in his face.

 

Stunned, Jared stood outside the door for what seemed like an eternity before he could make his feet move. When he did find the strength to move, he ran out the door and back to toward campus. He fled into the campus’ arboretum, taking shelter in the evergreen trees that grew there while the majority of the other trees were still winter-barren. He was crying, and the cold January air combined with the wetness on his cheeks from his steadily falling tears, made his face ache. He didn’t care.

 

He found a bench between two large trees and settled there, digging around in his backpack until he found his iPod. Jamming the earbuds in, he dialed quickly to something sad and hit play. Of course, without thinking, he’d hit play on “Seasick, Yet Still Docked,” and all Jared could think, as Morrissey so heartbreakingly sang the words “I am a poor, freezingly cold soul so far from where I intended to go,” was _yep, that’s me._

 

The song always got to Jared, always had, but now it was worse, he was in so much pain and so torn between being alone and being with Tait, who was at least familiar and safe. Jared knew that no matter what decision he made about the situation right now, in a few hours he’d say what he always said to himself when something like that happened with Tait. Something along the lines of _He’s not that bad, he’s just stressed. Besides, it’s a pain in the ass baring your soul to someone new. Learning everything about them, taking the huge risk to let them in, knowing that they will just fuck you up in the end anyway._

 

Jared remained on the bench until he needed to go to the café. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, but his body was stiff from the combination of anger, sadness, and cold wind that enveloped him.

 

He trudged across campus toward the little café he’d only been to a couple of times since he started HVSU, but he always found it warm and welcoming. As he reached out to open the door to he café he noticed a sign advertising that they were hiring. He decided to apply. He loved the atmosphere of the place, and the people who worked there seemed cool. Plus, he needed the money. He could only mooch off Chad and his parents for so long, and his savings were pretty much nil. He approached the counter, and waited a moment while the guy working emerged from the kitchen.

 

“Hey! What can I get for you?” The man behind the counter had a dimpled smile, the dimples only slightly hidden by a short beard. He had kind eyes, and if Jared were older, he thought he might develop a little crush on the man.

 

Jared liked how cheery and friendly this guy seemed, and his bad mood began to dissipate. He knew it wasn’t just because of coffee guy, but also because he would be meeting Jensen in a matter of minutes. How many minutes, he wasn’t sure, because he figured Jensen would be late.

 

“Actually, um, I’d like a mocha and an application, if you’re still hiring.”

 

“Yeah, we are! Uh, there isn’t really an application to fill out, you just take one of these sheets from the order pad, write down your name, phone number, and work availability. I’m Jeff Morgan, by the way, the owner.”

 

“I’m Jared, nice to meet you.”

 

“Likewise. Why don’t you sit and fill out your info while I make your mocha. Then we’ll trade, okay?”

 

“Great! Thank you.”

 

Jared paid for his drink, took the little green and white sheet Jeff handed him from the pad of order slips, and settled at a table to wait for Jensen.

 

Just a bit later Jeff brought his drink over and Jared handed him the sheet. Jared really wanted to work there. He just felt cozy in the café.

 

“Thanks, Jared, I’ll look this over and see if it matches up with what we need, and I’ll give you a call.”

 

“Thanks, Jeff, that would be great.”

 

Just as Jeff was walking away, the little bells on the door tinkled. Jared glanced up and saw Jensen walking toward him. His breath caught a little in his chest because it dawned on him, again, that it was just him and Jensen, one-on-one. In his head, Jared shouted, all at once maybe, _Hooray! Holy shit he’s hot! Don’t fuck up, Padalecki. Just be cool. Do you love me yet, Jensen?_


	6. Something Happens and I'm Head Over Heels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Head Over Heels" by Tears For Fears.

Jared watched Jensen as he entered the cafe and scanned the tables before he spotted him and smiled. _Yeah, that smile is going to end me_ , Jared thought. _Does he have any idea how beautiful he is? I bet he doesn’t. The good ones never do._ Jared attempted to keep his smile this side of blinding because he didn’t want to come off as an over-eager nut job, no matter how giddy he felt every time he even thought about Jensen, let alone when he was in the same damn room.

 

“Hey Jared, sorry I’m late. Seems like I can’t be on time no matter what I do.”

 

Jared gave Jensen what he knew was his warmest, non-nut-jobiest, dimpliest grin. “It’s okay. I was able to apply for a job while I was waiting.”

 

“A job? Here? Cool! I come in here all the time and it seems like a great place.”

 

“Yeah, I’m hoping I get hired because I need money and distraction.” Shit. Jared didn’t really mean to say that last part.

 

“Distraction? From what? Everything okay, Jay?”

 

Aside from Jared almost falling off the stool he was sitting on because Jensen used his nickname, and shit, it sounded so good coming from Jensen. Like it was the first time ever hearing it, he managed to say “Uh, yeah, just having some issues. Relationship stuff. No big.”

 

“Well, you can talk to me about it, you know, if you want to. Hold on, just let me order.”

 

Jensen returned with his coffee, and, despite his best efforts not to, Jared launched into the whole story.

 

“Tait and I have been together on and off since right before I turned 18. He was almost 20. Anyway, he’s sort of all I know. I mean, I dated a couple of other guys during one of our various break-ups, but we always ended up getting back together. But now I’m pretty sure he likes this other guy, Nathan. He says Nathan isn’t needy like me. He thinks I’m high maintenance. He’s sort of an asshole, but I dunno, I feel like I can’t really do any better.”

 

Jared was being serious, too. He wasn’t fishing for compliments. He told Jensen a few of the other things Tait had done to him over the years, like criticizing, rather cruelly, his clothing, hair, and music choices.

 

Jensen looked thoughtful for a moment, playing with the coffee cozy he had.

 

“Jared, listen to me. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but can I give you some advice?”

 

“Yeah, please.”

 

“Okay. Look. I know you’re young, but man, just judging by what you’ve told me, Tait may not be the best for you. I mean, someone who loves you wouldn’t make you feel like he makes you feel. Love isn’t about criticism. Not like that, anyway. Just be careful, please? Take care of yourself. You’re better than you give yourself credit for.”

 

Finishing his thought, Jensen looked down at his hands, and Jared thought he saw the slightest hint of a blush, but he wasn’t about to tell himself that.

 

“Thanks, Jensen. Really. It’s hard to talk to my friends about this because they really don’t like Tait, especially Chad. Chad hates him. And my other friends are Tait’s friends. Every time we break up, they go with him and treat me like shit.”

 

“I don‘t know, Jay, but it sounds like your mind’s already made up.”

 

And there was that damn nickname. Just sitting here for half an hour with Jensen made Jared realize he wasn’t just screwed, he was totally and completely fucked.

 

There was a beat or so of silence, and finally, clearing his throat, Jensen asked, “So, let’s talk about the study-plan, yeah?”

 

They talked about how many credits were needed for the philosophy major, what sorts of foundation courses Jared would need, and what topics he might be interested in. After about an hour of business, Jared almost squealed, remembering he had some things for Jensen.

 

“Oh! Jensen! I have those DVD’s for you! I also made you a Morrissey mix!”

 

Jared pulled the two DVD’s, Morrissey’s _Oye! Esteban_ and _The Smiths Complete Picture_ and the mix.

 

“Okay, so here are the DVD’s. I’m super excited for you to see them. I almost wish I could watch them with you, just to see your reaction to them.”

 

 _Shit _, Jared thought. _Smooth, man. You can’t sit with your professor and watch these!___

 

“Well, you could, if you’d like.” And Jensen was definitely blushing now.

 

“Really? Yeah, that would be great.”

 

“Sure, we could watch them on the computer in my office.”

 

Ever so slightly crestfallen, because for a split second Jared was thinking of cuddling with Jensen on some really cozy couch watching Morrissey videos and holding hands, but hey, hanging with Jensen at all was fucking awesome. Jared said, “That would be so cool! When?”

 

“How about right now?”

 

“I don’t have anything for the rest of the day, so I’m yours.” _Fuck. Nice. Calm it down, Padalecki, and watch the innuendo._

 

“Great, let’s go.”

 

“Wait! The mix! Okay, so I have to tell you about this, because mixes are really important, and I can’t have you going into a Morrissey solo mix uneducated.”

 

“Uneducated, huh?”

 

Jared smiled. “Okay, well, you know what I mean.”

 

Jared went through the songs and gave Jensen a little introduction to each, explaining how “Seasick” “absolutely fucking kills” him every time he hears it, how when Morrissey sings “then at midnight I can’t get you out of my head” in “Trouble Loves Me” he cried the first time he heard it and still got chills from it, how there was something about “Jack the Ripper” that got to him, but he couldn’t quite explain what it was, and on and on.

 

“Wow, Jared. Thank you. I will listen to it _very closely_.”

 

Jensen’s emphasis on the last two words of the sentence sent chills down Jared’s spine. He knew then that Jensen might be picking up on the myriad signals he was sending out.

 

Jensen had driven to the café, and Jared assumed it was because he was planning on going home after their meeting and not back to his office as was now planned. It was after 4, and the building didn’t have too many people in it.

 

They got to Jensen’s office and Jensen fiddled with his keys for a second before opening the door. Jared heard him breathing and it was coming in what sounded like nervous little huffs. Jared smiled, beginning to realize he may have some effect on this beautiful man, after all.

 

Opening the door, Jensen motioned for Jared to sit in the chair he was in on Tuesday, and Jensen took his seat at the desk.

 

“Since I’m more familiar with the Smiths, let’s start there, shall we?”

 

Jared agreed, and Jensen popped the DVD into his computer.

 

“Can I ask you something, Jensen?”

 

Jensen turned back to him and nodded.

 

“How old are you? I mean, do you really like the Smiths, like a lot? ‘Cause I know I’m pretty young to even know who they are, and that’s only because of my older brother and some of his friends who are even older.”

 

“I’ll be 28 in March. And yeah, I have an older brother, too, so it seems like I got into the Smiths in much the same way as you. When older brothers want to assert their influence on you, it’s pretty tough to avoid.” Jensen laughed, and it looked to Jared that he was laughing at a private memory of brotherly torture. Jared knew that look well.

 

“28! Jesus! How the hell are you a professor already? When you walked into class the first day I thought you were a student. You’re so not crusty!”

 

With that, Jensen tossed his head back and laughed, crinkled eyes, beautiful teeth, and a neck that Jared wanted to latch onto very badly at that moment. _That’s a great fucking laugh._ Jared really liked how Jensen’s laugh was almost cackle-like at the crescendo, and when it came down with a lower pitch it made Jared’s belly do a little dance. _Yes, more laughter, please._

 

Jensen took his glasses off then, to wipe the tears that had gathered in his eyes from laughing, and Jared could see his freckles more clearly, because the older man’s glasses usually obscured the beautiful little flecks of brown on Jensen’s pale skin. He wanted to reach out and touch them. Hell, he wanted to name them.

 

“Well, that’s certainly good to know. I am a little young, I guess, though not really. I got through college the same way everyone does and the Ph.D. program I was in was a very fast 4 years. So yeah, I am, as of now, crust-free. And thank you for saying so.”

 

They spent an hour or so watching Smiths videos, Jensen giggling at Morrissey having what could only be described as a shrub stuffed in his back pocket, and both men wondering aloud how “Top of the Pops” could get away with having people playing instruments and singing without anything plugged in.

 

“Man, I’ve always said that if were going to be a rock star, I’d dance just like Morrissey on stage,” Jared said dreamily.

 

“Yeah, I’ve seen a few of these videos, but it was a long time ago. I always thought Morrissey was so beautiful.”

 

Jared took note of that. _Yep, Jensen has to be gay._

 

“You have Morrissey glasses.”

 

“Guilty.” Jensen smiled a shy smile, and Jared hoped he was the only one who got to see that smile, but that was just silly to start thinking that, wasn’t it? “I have always been a huge fan of his aesthetic. I even had his haircut when I was younger, but I don’t think I could quite pull it off.”

 

“You totally can, you’re so pretty enough. Uh, I mean, well, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean like, girl pretty, but you know, you’ve seen you.” Jared’s face felt like it was about 1,000 degrees. Jensen’s looked to be about 400 degrees, so he didn’t feel so bad.

 

“Thank you? Hey, I know I haven’t heard the mix yet, but can we check out the Morrissey solo DVD? I know a couple of his songs, and I wanna see if he still has his Smiths-era moves.”

 

“Oh, he totally does. It’s awesome.”

 

They put in _Oye! Esteban_ and watched the video for “Last of the Famous International Playboys.” Jensen smiled the whole way through it. Apparently Morrissey still met with Jensen’s approval. And Jared could totally live with making Jensen smile any of his smiles for like, ever.

 

It was past 7 when Jared decided he should get going. He still had class tomorrow, just Russian, before his weekend could start, and he didn’t want to seem needy around Jensen.

 

“I should go. I don’t want you to see all the Morrissey videos without listening to the mix first.”

 

“Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry to have kept you so late, Jay.” And as they stood, Jensen put his hand on Jared’s shoulder. Jared thought his knees were going to buckle under him.

 

“No, it’s no problem, I just don’t wanna keep bugging you or keep you from anything.” _Or anyone_ , Jared meant.

 

“Nope. I have zero life. But I should get home to go over some class stuff .” And as he said that, he slid his arm down Jared’s, finally letting go of it, and Jared died a little, both from the contact and the fact that Jensen was very single.

 

“Okay, well have a good weekend, Jensen, and promise you will listen to the mix.”

 

“I promise, Jay.”

 

Jared turned and left the office, almost running out of the building. Once he was outside and was sure no one was around to hear him, he blew out the huge breath he’d been holding and yelled, “Holy shit!”

 

That one touch meant more to Jared than he thought it would, and he quickly came to the realization that he was head-over-heels for Jensen.


	7. I Don't Mind If You Forget Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Morrissey song of the same name.

Finally gathering enough strength to walk his happy ass back to Hoobler, Jared was practically vibrating with excitement when he got to his and Chad’s room. Thankfully, Chad was home, because if he didn’t have Chad to tell about his day _this fucking minute_ , his head was going to fall off.

 

Jared slammed the door behind him, not really meaning to, and Chad looked up at his best friend. Rolling his eyes and letting out an exasperated huff he said, “Please tell me you finally dumped that piece of shit, because that’s the only thing I want to hear from you right now.”

 

Jared had texted Chad earlier and told him about his confrontation with Tait.

 

“No. But I’m going to. I’ve decided, man. I’m not dealing with this anymore, and it’s not okay to be with him when I’m in love with someone else anyway.”

 

“WHAT?! No. You are not in love with Ackles. He’s your teacher, dude, there are big big BIG fucking rules about that shit, man.”

 

“Yes, I’m in love with Jensen. And I know there’re rules; I’m not an idiot. But I can’t help it. And we hung out today and it was amazing.”

 

“Is he in loooove with you, too?” Chad asked mockingly, but Jared knew he didn’t mean anything hurtful by it.

 

“Uh, no.”

 

Jared deflated a little, because there were a few things he knew about the Jensen situation. 1) He was his teacher; 2) that was a big no-no; 3) he had no idea if Jensen even liked him, let alone loved him, let alone loved him enough to risk a whole hell of a lot on a big, excitable, musically-obsessed nerd like Jared.

 

“Shit, Jay. I just don’t want to see you get all wrapped up in something that really shouldn’t happen. He could lose his job.”

 

“I know, Chad, I know.” Jared sighed and sat down at his desk. “I just can’t stop thinking about him and all the mixes I want to make him. I’m already formulating the next one. I’m gonna woo him with this one, for sure.”

 

“Woo him? Are you gonna court him, too? Jesus, Jared, you’re a big, lanky cliché, you know that?”

 

“Yep. I’m okay with it.” He smiled.

 

“Okay, well, woo away. I just want you to be okay. Now, tell me how we’re gonna dump Tait’s assholey ass.”

 

“Assholey? We? Nevermind. I’m just gonna go talk to him after Russian tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted. Enough about me, little blonde beauty, how’s Sophia?”

 

Chad rocked back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head and interlocking his fingers. Jared couldn’t help but notice how Chad looked like Luke Skywalker did when Leia kissed him right in front of Han in _Empire_. Except here, in this not far, far away galaxy, Chad lost his balance and fell backwards in his chair. Jared lost it, letting out a loud, rumbling laugh that had Chad jumping to his feet and punching him in the arm hard.

 

“Ow, man! Shit! I’m sorry. Are you okay, Chaddiekins?”

 

“Yes, dickhead. Are you done laughing at my pain? I have good news!”

 

“I thought maybe you did, what with the way you were trying to be all suave before you totally bit it.” And Jared laughed all over again.

 

“I” Chad said, bowing low and making a sweeping gesture out in front of himself, “have a date!”

 

“Oh man, that’s awesome! Are you gonna bring her here so I can meet her?”

 

“No. No no no. I’m gonna get her to dig me before I bring her to you so she can fall in love with your gayness.”

 

“I’m no threat. Just show her how sweet you really are and maybe she will fall in love with your gayness.”

 

“I hate you. Anyway, we’re going to a movie tomorrow, so I won’t be around.”

 

“Okay. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but if you need the room or something, give a guy some warning.” Jared still got grossed out thinking about the time he barged in on Chad and some girl in a very compromising position the year before.

 

“Don’t worry, Jaybird. I will be sure to sexile you properly, if need be.”

 

“Such a great friend, Chad.”

 

“I know!” And with that, Chad grabbed his desk chair and set it upright, and returned to his work.

 

After Russian class the next day, Jared called Tait to see if he was home. He seemed very disinterested in talking to Jared, and that made Jared’s resolve that much stronger. He told Tait he’d be over in 10 minutes and began walking over to his boyfriend of too long’s apartment.

 

Tait opened the door looking very pouty. And it wasn’t even remotely cute, like Jared used to think. He stepped into Tait’s apartment, not bothering to sit down, because Jared wasn’t going to take long to do what he knew he wanted to do so badly.

 

“Hey. Look. Um, I’m breaking up with you. For good this time. This is it. I’m done. It’s over.”

 

Tait looked like he’d been punched in gut. Then a small smile crept across his face.

 

“Okay, Jared, I get it. But you know you’ll be back here in a couple weeks to apologize and ask me back.”

 

“No, Tait, I won’t.” And it felt like the weight of a thousand lifetimes had been lifted off Jared’s shoulders. He turned on his heel and left.

 

Jared didn’t want it to be a big scene, so he didn’t let it become one. He didn’t even turn to fire a retort back at Tait’s comment that he thought Jared was a waste of time. He was done. Done. He felt so good that he wanted to celebrate. But Chad was going out with Sophia that night. Jared figured he’d get his homework done and go out with Chad the next day. _Life is getting pretty good_ , he thought.

 

Walking out into the cold end-of-January air, Jared bristled a little at the wind. He loved HVSU’s campus, but being surrounded by corn fields did nothing to buffer the wind, and today was particularly blustery. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, realizing that it wasn’t the chattering of his teeth doing the vibrating, and opened his phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Jared?” The voice was warm and a little gravelly.

 

“Speaking.”

 

“Hey it’s Jeff from Afterwards Café. How are you?”

 

 _Yes_ , Jared thought. _Yes!_

 

“I’m really great actually, thanks. How are you?”

 

“Good, good, thanks. Listen, I’m calling to see if you can come in for an interview.”

 

“Totally! Oh man, sweet. When?”

 

“How about tomorrow at 9? I hope that’s not too early. I won’t be in tonight, and it’s slow on Saturday mornings, so I thought it would be a good time to sit and chat and get you acquainted with the place.”

 

“No, I’m sort of a morning person, so it’s cool. Get acquainted?”

 

“Well, yeah, if I call you, chances are pretty damn good you got the job. So, see you tomorrow?”

 

“Sure thing, Jeff. Thank you.”

 

“No problem, kid, see you then.”

 

And Jared’s day just kept getting better. But, as he continued his walk back to Hoobler across campus, his day got amazing because he saw Jensen, and let out a dreamy sigh. Of course, _sigh like a girl_ , Jared thought.

 

Jensen glanced over from Kripke Hall as he went to pull open the door and saw Jared. He smiled at the younger man, and Jared jogged up to him and continued through the door Jensen had held open.

 

“Hey Jensen, thanks. It’s so cold out!”

 

“Ah yes, winter in Michigan in the middle of a cornfield. It’s a special kind of Hell. Wanna come up for a minute, or were you on your way somewhere?”

 

Jensen, Jared thought, was looking hopeful.

 

“No. I mean, yeah! I mean I don’t have anywhere I need to be. I’m free as a bird.” Jared gave Jensen a very dimpled grin and hoped it would charm him.

 

Jensen returned the smile before realizing they were already in front of his office, and almost slammed into his office door. Jared pretended not to notice, but he was dancing around on the inside, thinking, _charm Jensen: check._

 

Settling into what Jared now thought of as his chair, he set his backpack down on the floor.

 

“Soooo have you listened to it yet?”

 

Jensen looked over at Jared from his computer and smiled.

 

“Yeah I did. I fell asleep to it, actually.”

 

“So you didn’t get all the way through it?” Jared was moderately disappointed, but he knew not everyone was as big a geek as he was when it came to music.

 

“No, I fell asleep to it on the 4th listen. I really like it. Morrissey’s voice still gets me.”

 

Jared brightened at that. “Awesome! I’m so glad you like it.”

 

“I figured I would, I mean, from what I can tell, it seems we like a lot of the same things, so I didn’t think it would be a stretch.” Jensen let out a small, nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. Jared noticed he wasn’t wearing his glasses today, and had to be very careful not to space out while staring into Jensen’s stupidly green eyes. “Any big weekend plans, Jay?”

 

“Nah, well, not tonight, anyway. Chad’s got a date so I’m gonna do homework. But tomorrow we’re going out to celebrate my new status as awesomely single.”

 

He bit his lip and looked down, realizing he had placed a little too much emphasis on single. Jensen seemed to brighten.

 

“You broke up with Tait? Jared, I know I gave you advice about it, but I didn’t want you to do something you weren’t ready to do.”

 

“No! No. I was ready. I think it just helped to have someone who wasn’t Chad tell me I was better than Tait, you know?”

 

“Yeah, I do know. Well then, congratulations?”

 

“Yes! Congratulations!” They both smiled brightly at that.

 

“I have to be around the office all day prepping and grading, so we could get coffee later if you need a study break.”

 

“That sounds really good. What time?”

 

“How about 6? We could meet back here and then walk over.”

 

“Perfect. I’ll see you then. I’m gonna get going on the homework so I don’t have an anxiety attack on Sunday.”

 

“Okay, Jared, good luck with the Kant reading. I feel you may need it. He’s not easy to handle, but I’m here if you need me.”

 

 _Oh, I need you._ “Okay, I will see you later, Jensen.”

 

Jared left Jensen’s office feeling very floaty.


	8. If I Told You That I Really, Really Liked You A Lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Gotta Know Right Now" by Smoking Popes.

Jared got back to his room and it was after 1, leaving him plenty of time to do his homework and freak out about what he was going to wear on his non-date with Jensen. Chad had left him a note, telling him he was going to be gone all day. Jared was a little lonely, just then, because he wanted to share his excitement with Chad.

Jared sometimes wished he had more friends other than those gone off to other schools and the ones he now no longer had because of Tait, but it didn’t bother him that much, because he liked having alone time. And he _really_ liked having alone time with Jensen. Jared was very friendly, had no problems making friends, but he also enjoyed solitude, and he appreciated that Chad knew that better than anyone.

About and hour after he had settled in to read the assignment on Kant for aesthetics, he was getting frustrated. Dude made zero sense, in his opinion. Just then, he remembered something Jensen had told the class on the first day. If they got stuck on something, they could try and see if he was on AOL Instant Messenger.

Jared opened his laptop and found his syllabus so he could get Jensen’s username. He had totally spaced on the IM thing and emailed Jensen last time, but this time it would be like he was sitting there talking with him. Jared was a little giddy at the thought. Signing into IM as ‘thischarmingboy’ he typed ‘drjensen’ into his add friends list and lo and behold, Jensen was online.

thischarmingboy: Jensen Ackles?

drjensen: yes, and you would be?

thischarmingboy: hey! It’s Jared.

drjensen: ‘thischarmingboy’, huh? Fitting. Can’t get away from The Smiths, can you?

thischarmingboy: LOL nope. How’s work going?

drjensen: not bad. Just got some coffee from the philosophy office. Never do that. It’s terrible.

thischarmingboy: noted. Hey, I don’t want to keep you long, I’m just having a hell of a time with Kant.

drjensen: Figured. Kant and I go way back. Dude almost killed me.

thischarmingboy: Really? Why?

drjensen: he’s just notoriously difficult. Anyway, what’s up?

thischarmingboy: I’m totally not getting ‘the sublime’. Like, not even close. I mean, how can something be terrifying and beautiful at the same time? That’s what he means, right?

drjensen: yes, very good, Jay. (Jared smiled and puffed out his chest a little at the praise he so craved.) It’s okay that you’re having a tough time with this. The sublime is very difficult to understand precisely because it isn’t something we can ever really grasp. And, since I gave you the quick and dirty with Heidegger, I will do the same with Kant then we will go over it more closely Tuesday.

Jared waited for the explanation for about a minute or so, but one didn’t come. Getting a little frustrated, like he was waiting for an awesome punch line that just wasn’t coming, he thought he’d poke at Jensen a little.

thischarmingboy: Jensen? You still there?

drjensen: yeah, sorry Jay. Another student had a quick question. I’m getting off of here for the day, but I still want to answer your question. I will message you from my private IM, if that’s ok.

thischarmingboy: sure

Jared thought he might levitate right out of his chair. He was getting Jensen’s private IM!!!! Just as he was about to jump out of his chair to do a little victory dance, a new IM window popped up with a message from ‘stillill’.

stillill: jared?

thiscahrmingboy: Jensen?

stillill: yeah it’s me, sorry about that. I wanted to be able to answer your question without interruption, because it’s a pretty important question, and my office hours are over anyway.

thischarmingboy: no problem. ‘stillill’? Really? And you say I can’t get away from The Smiths?

stillill: shut up, it’s an old name. And since I’m older and wiser, I win.

God, Jared loved jokey Jensen.

thischarmingboy: okay, you win, oh wise one. Now teach me.

stillill: like I said, this is the q&d version. I liken the sublime to love. You’ve been in love, so I think you will get what I’m talking about. It’s not the greatest analogy, but it may help. You know when you feel like you’re falling in love with someone, or you’re already in love with them, and it feels amazing but it’s also so terrifying because you realize that they hold your entire heart in the palm of their hand? And that no matter what you do you’re fucked because you can’t turn away, you can’t go back, all you can do is keep falling and hope that it is all okay?

Jared read what Jensen wrote and sucked in a harsh breath. What was it about Jensen that made everything sound like poetry?

thischarmingboy: yeah, I know that feeling.

 _Shit, do I know that feeling._ Jensen was beautiful, the most achingly perfect man Jared had ever met, ever had the pleasure to fall in love with, and it was fucking terrifying as all hell. He’d never, ever felt like this with Tait.

stillill: okay, good. So that emotion that wells up in you? That’s a good way of thinking about Kant’s sublime. The fear of possible heartbreak is overwhelming, but so is the pleasure the beauty of love triggers in you.

thischarmingboy: that makes so much more sense. Thanks.

stillill: you’re welcome. Glad I could put my Ph.D. to good use.

thischarmingboy: can I ask you something else?

Jared was feeling way too brave.

stillill: sure, shoot.

thischarmingboy: how did you come up with that analogy? I mean, other than the obvious?

stillill: well, I used to use this really shitty one involving a snowstorm and a tornado, but the new one seems more fitting.

thischarmingboy: why?

stillill: I will explain sometime. But now I have to get a few more things done until coffee time. See you at 6, Jay.

Then Jared saw that ‘stillill’ has signed off and he sighed happily, signing himself off.

 _Jesus_ , Jared thought. _How am I gonna get this to work? How do I tell him? How do I know if he feels anything for me?_

Jared already knew the answers to his questions, though: the new mix. Shoving his mostly done homework to the side, Jared opened his iTunes and began a new playlist.

 _This mix has to have it all, it has to lay it all out there for Jensen_ , Jared thought. He couldn’t think of the repercussions of his having a relationship with Jensen, especially since there wasn’t even a relationship…yet. It was the ‘yet’ that had Jared smiling to himself and flipping through a vast array of scenarios in which Jensen had him bent over any number of pieces of furniture, fucking him into oblivion. _Jesus, Jared, one step at a time!_

The first two songs would be the hardest to pick, because, like Rob Gordon warned him, he had to start off amazing but dial it back a bit without fucking up the rest of the mix.

So Jared started clicking and dragging, eventually ending up with too much to fit on one CD, but he was okay with that. Having too much to work with was always better than not enough. But, given how he felt about Jensen, never feeling like this about anyone, it made Jared believe he’d never not have enough. At the same time, though, Jared regretted that the songs he loved so much would have to tell Jensen how he felt because he just wasn’t as good with words as the lyrical geniuses he worshipped. Jared glanced at the clock. It was just after 4, and he had a lot of work to do if this mix was gonna be right.

The mix itself, after having picked the first two songs, came together really easily. Jared read over the list:

“Don’t Stand So Close to Me” – The Police

“Ask” – The Smiths

“Gotta Know Right Now” – Smoking Popes

“Don’t get Me Wrong” – The Pretenders

“Let My Love Open the Door” – Pete Townshend

“There’s Something About You” – Level 42

“Shining Light” – Ash

“World In My Eyes” – Depeche Mode

“Possession” – Sarah McLachlan

“Quicksand” – La Roux

“Must Be Dreaming” – Frou Frou

“Lay Lady Lay” – Duran Duran

“Space Age Love Song” – A Flock of Seagulls

“Starlight” – Muse

“The Promise” – When In Rome

“Always On My Mind” – Phantom Planet

“Heartbeat” – Tahiti 80

“If You Want My Love” – Cheap Trick

“Try A Little Tenderness” – Otis Redding

“Always” – Erasure

“Only You” – Yaz

Jared sighed after he read over the list of songs. Pronouns and songs written for girls be damned, he knew these were good songs, and he knew (and hoped) Jensen would get what he was trying to say. He slid a blank CD into the burner and wrote up the track list, finishing it all up just in time for him to have to jog a little to get to the café by 6.


	9. Ask Me, Ask Me, Ask Me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Ask" by The Smiths.

When Jared arrived at what he figured would be his new place of work a little after six, he was rather out of breath. Even though he was in shape, jogging across campus in a state of nervous excitement takes it out of you.

He took a seat near the window in the back room area and waited for Jensen. He was fiddling with the new CD when Jensen appeared at the table and startled the shit out of him.

“Is that for me?” Jensen said, motioning to the disc.

“Shit! What? Um, yes, but you don’t get it yet.” Jared gave Jensen a shy smile.

“Okay, I guess I can wait.” And Jensen huffed in faux-impatience.

They walked up to the counter together to place their orders. Jeff wasn’t working, and Jared didn’t feel like introducing himself as the potential new guy, so they got their drinks and settled back at their table.

“How was your day, Jen?”

Jensen looked at him a moment, before an amused smirk slid onto his face. “Jen? Where did you come up with that one? Only my family back home calls me that.”

“Oh, sorry. It just sort of seems natural to me. Should I not call you that?”

“No it’s okay, Jay. It _sounds_ natural from you.” Jensen was _totally_ blushing, and Jared squealed inside.

“Okay, cool. I just sort of get really familiar with people pretty quickly. Some say I’m too friendly ‘cause I’m a little touchy-feely, but I’m harmless, I swear.”

“I believe you, Jay. But you don’t seem too touchy-feely to me. I mean, I don’t think you’ve ever touched _me_.”

Jensen said that last part as Jared was taking a sip from his cup and he almost choked. And again, like every other second he spent with Jensen, Jared’s face was burning.

“Well, you’re my professor, and I don’t want to creep you out or anything, so it seems my friendliness has boundaries.” _But holy shit do I want to touch you_ , he thought.

“Okay, well, for future reference, I won’t think you’re a creeper or anything. How was the rest of your day?”

“Pretty good. I read a bit more Kant. Got frustrated. Got a job interview! Made you another mix.”

“A job interview? Where?”

“Here, actually. It’s tomorrow morning. The owner is super cool and he already said I pretty much had the job, so yeah. And it seems like they get to play whatever music they want, so I’m totally gonna _make_ people listen to whatever I want. It’s gonna be so awesome!”

“That’s great, Jay, congrats. I worked at the library in college, and that was good. No music, but I got a lot of work done, and hanging out with books is pretty great.”

“No, yeah, I’d totally love that kind of job, but the library wasn’t hiring…Soooo…you know I have it, so here it is.”

Jared handed the CD over to Jensen, and just as Jensen was about to flip the CD over to read the track list, Jared squeaked a little.

“Wait! I mean, don’t read it yet. You just need to listen to it first, then you can check the tracks. That way it’s sort of a surprise, you know?”

“Okay, I will wait. But I’m not the most patient person on the planet. So I may just be telling you I will wait and as soon as you’re out of my line of sight I will flip the damn thing over and read it.” Jensen winked at Jared then. _He fucking winked!_

They fell into easy conversation after that, since most of Jared’s nerves had to do with giving Jensen the new mix. They chatted for about another hour, and Jensen said he needed to get going home for the evening.

“Thanks again for this mix, Jay. I’m really excited to listen to it. I listen to the Morrissey mix every night when I go to bed, so it will be nice to add to that.”

“You’re welcome. I’m so happy you like it. And I hope you like this one.”

“ _Romeo In Black Jeans_ , huh? Like from Michael Penn’s “No Myth”? That’s a good title.”

“Dude, you weren’t supposed to look yet!” And Jared’s blush went up another 800 notches.

“Okay, shit, sorry! I will wait!” Jensen was smiling, though, so Jared knew he wasn’t upset or anything.

“Okay, Jen, so I will see you Tuesday, yeah?”

“Are you walking home, Jay?”

“Yeah, it’s not even a 15-minute walk.”

“Dude, it’s like 25 degrees outside. Let me give you a ride.”

“Really? That would be awesome. I don’t mind the cold, but the wind kills me.”

“Yeah, come on.”

Jensen’s car was a modest, silver, Hyundai Elantra, the kind that sort of looked like a Saab, and he couldn’t believe he was actually getting into Jensen’s car. Jared was trying very hard not to die.

After Jared directed Jensen to the area in front of Hoobler, he pulled into a spot and put the car in park, sitting silently for a minute. Jared thought he looked like he wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure, so he unhooked the seatbelt and thanked Jensen for the ride. Getting out of the car and shutting the door, Jared waved goodbye to Jensen and headed in to Hoobler. His nerves were fried from the evening, not just because he was always on edge (in a good way) when Jensen was around, but also because he knew Jensen would be listening to the mix tonight. Jared couldn’t wait for Jensen’s reaction to it.

 

Jared went to his job “interview” the next morning, and like he thought, he got the job. Jeff actually had him stay on for a few hours just to get acquainted with the place and learn how to make a few drinks. Jared had a lot of fun with Mattie, the guy who was training him, but he only had eyes for Jensen. At another place and time Jared would have asked Mattie out; he really was a cute guy and super-friendly, but Jared felt like he needed to see this thing with Jensen, whatever the hell it was, through.

Jared left the café at 3, and walked the too-long-in-winter trek to Hoobler, hoping to get some homework out of the way before he went out with Chad to celebrate his new job and single-hood. The note on their whiteboard on the door indicated that Chad was at the library with Sophia studying, and Jared was relieved to have some time to himself.

Jared opened and powered up his laptop, readying himself to get some writing done on a project he had due in his English class. He plunked away at his paper for a while, but his mind started wandering to Jensen, wondering if he had listened to the mix and what he thought about it. He decided to sign in to AIM, on the off chance that Jensen would be online, and he was, though it was his private chat name. Jared’s stomach did about thirty goddamned flips as he opened up a new chat window, hoping Jensen wouldn’t mind the intrusion.

thischarmingboy: Good afternoon, Professor Ackles!

stillill: Professor Ackles, huh? Not Jensen or Jen? Am I in trouble?

thischarmingboy: LOL no, just feeling squirrely.

stillill: Why’s that?

thischarmingboy: I just got off work (yes I got the job!), and am trying to get some writing done, but this is more fun while I wait for Chad to get back so we can go out tonight.

stillill: Well, it’s only Saturday. You have all day tomorrow. And congrats on the job, man, that’s great.

thischarmingboy: Thanks! I think it’s gonna be really fun. The music is already great. The guy that was training me had the Pixies playing, so he wins in my book. What are you up to? Is it okay that I’m chatting with you?

stillill: Sure, it’s fine. I wouldn’t have given you my private chat name if I thought you’d abuse it by stalking me or something, LOL. I’m just relaxing. I’m a late sleeper, so I haven’t been up that long. Thank you for the mix, by the way.

thischarmingboy: Oh! So you did listen to it! What did you think?

stillill: actually, I listened to it a few times already (I was up late), and it’s playing as we chat.

Jared froze at that. _Woah._ Jensen was listening to what basically amounted to his major confession of love while they talked? That’s like Jared pretty much baring his soul to Jensen in person! Jared always relied on musicians to say how he was feeling; he saw their words as like a direct line to his heart, and when he put those words out there, he put his heart out there, too.

thischarmingboy: So you like it, I take it?

stillill: very much, Jay. It’s amazing, actually.

thischarmingboy: Phew! I was worried.

stillill: why?

thischarmingboy: Doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you dig it. What song are you on?

stillill: Well, I had restarted it not long before you came on, so I’m just on “Ask.”

thischarmingboy: Wow, okay. I love that song so much.

stillill: I do too. It was always sort of special to me because I was always a bit shy, and Morrissey always seemed to know what I was thinking. He’s amazing at putting what seem like the most unique feelings into words. Like, you aren’t sure what it is you’re feeling, but Morrissey can explain it for you, you know?

thischarmingboy: Yes! He could always say what I couldn’t.

Shit. Jared didn’t really mean to type that. FUCK! So much for smooth.

stillill: “Shyness will stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to,” you know.

thischarmingboy: “So if there’s something you’d like to try”

Jared liked this game. He always liked the sort of “complete the song” types of games, but suddenly he realized that maybe this wasn’t a game after all.

stillill: “Ask me I won’t say no, how could I?”

Jared had no idea how to respond to that, even knowing that it was coming. Was Jensen trying to tell him something, too? Without needing to worry further, Chad sauntered through the door of their room looking smug.

thischarmingboy: Shit. Sorry Jen, gotta go. Chad’s back. Talk to you later?

stillill: Sure, Jay.

Signing out, Jared had a minor freak out/girly giddy-fest in his head, but mellowed quickly. He hoped he hadn’t left Jensen feeling weird, or anything.


	10. Can You Feel My Heartbeat When I'm Close to You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Heartbeat" by Tahiti 80.

“Hey man, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! How was the library? Did you see Sophia?”

 

“Jared, my man, the library was fucking spectacular, as was the making out with Sophia at said library. I’m smitten, Jay, I’m in deep smit.”

 

“Join the club.”

 

“You’re still on about Ackles? Shit, yeah, I guess it’s only been like 2 weeks or something. I feel like I’ve been hearing about his pretty ass for months. Well, forget about him for the night, my boy, ‘cause we’re gonna celebrate your new status as free-of-that-fuckwad Tait!!”

 

They grabbed their coats and headed into the city. The city, Spring Haven, was actually a city. Not as big as Chicago or Detroit, but compared to Haven Valley, it was massive. Jared wondered silently why everything around this part of the state had a name that was valley-related. Seriously, what the hell? It’s not like Michigan was full of rolling hills and mountains, like, at all.

 

About 45 minutes after leaving campus, Chad and Jared arrived at Essex House; they had stopped and grabbed some greasy fast food along the way. It was a really cool bar, sort of old-looking, like a real pub or something. The real attraction, though, was the foosball table. Jared fucking loved foosball. And he was good at it. And he was fierce about the rules, specifically the no-spinning rule. He believed spinning took all the finesse and skill out of the game. Chad, however, did not understand the big deal about spinning, and Jared was ready to tear his head off if Chad spun the little men one more fucking time.

 

“Chad! Stop fucking spinning! You know I hate it!”

 

“Jesus, Jay, relax. It’s just a game. In a bar. That we pay for with quarters. It’s not like world peace is riding on this or anything.”

 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I guess I’m wound a little tight, is all.”

 

“No shit. What crawled up your ass? We’re supposed to be celebrating your freedom here.”

 

Before Jared could retort, he glanced over Chad’s shoulder and just about swallowed his own tongue.

 

“Jensen!”

 

“Jensen crawled up your ass? Dude, I was asking a rhetorical question, man, I don’t want the details of your big gay love.”

 

“Ugh, no, douchebag. Jensen didn’t crawl up my ass. He’s fucking _here_.”

 

“Oh this I gotta see! Where is he?”

 

“He’s up at the bar. See him? He’s wearing the dark jeans, black shoes, and a green sweater.”

 

Chad let out a low whistle. “Woah, Jay. I’m straight as a motherfucker, and even I can say he’s stupidly pretty.”

 

Jared sighed. “Yeah.”

 

“Go say hi!” Chad shoved him a little.

 

“What? No way! Dude, he’s here relaxing. I’m not gonna go bug him like some creepy student with a crush.”

 

“But you are a creepy student with a crush.”

 

“Oh fuck you. Besides, I don’t need to advertise my crush…more.”

 

“ _More?_ Jared Padalecki, what the fuck did you do?”

 

“I may have made him another mix.”

 

“Jesus! A real mix? Like, a ‘Jared Padalecki’ mix? Like, a _mix_ mix?”

 

“Yep.” Jared hung his head looking slightly ashamed.

 

“Well, Sasquatch, if he’s already listened to it, then he knows about the crush.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure he does, and I don’t want to make it any more awkward than it already is. I mean, I figured I’d give him the mix, he’d listen to it, and I’d have ‘til Tuesday to freak out about it, but then he said he really liked it and started quoting “Ask” to me in a way that seemed to indicate he may like me, too.”

 

Jared was still starting at the bar, needing to keep constant tabs on his beloved. _Beloved? What the fuck is that, and where did it come from?_

 

“Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean, ‘he started quoting ‘Ask’?”

 

 _Shit. More things I did not mean to share._ “Well, uh, we were chatting. Online.”

 

“Chatting? Like on AIM?”

 

Jared, looking ashamed all over again said, “Yep” and finally tearing his eyes away from Jensen’s ass, shuffled around the foosball table so he could keep his back to Jensen. Chad, getting the hint, moved over to the side of the table Jared had just been occupying.

 

“Look, can we not talk about this, Chad? I just wanna relax and play foos.”

 

“Sure, but I don’t know how that’s gonna happen.”

 

“Why? We have loads of quarters, and I promise not to bitch about you spinning anymore.”

 

“It’s not gonna happen, Jay, because Ackles is coming over here.”

 

Jared could feel all the blood drain out of his face and could swear it was pooling somewhere near Australia.

 

“Fuck.”

 

“If you’re lucky!” And Chad slapped him on the back. “Look alive, Jay!”

 

Jared, trying to wear his most nonchalant ‘I have no clue that the hottest man I’ve ever seen in my life is walking over to me’ face, dug into his pocket for another 50 cents to start the next game when he felt a hand land on his shoulder, causing his knees to almost buckle because he always felt weak when Jensen was around.

 

“Hey Jay! I didn’t know you came to Essex House!”

 

Turning toward Jensen and trying to look surprised to see him, Jared said, “Oh! Jensen! Hey! I didn’t know you came here either.”

 

Jared thought he might pass out because the sight that greeted him upon turning around literally stole his breath. Jensen wasn’t wearing his Morrissey glasses tonight, and the green sweater he was wearing made his eyes blaze. He was also heartened because it didn’t seem like Jensen was thrown off by his quick exit from chatting earlier.

 

“Yeah, I love this place. It has really comfy seats and they don’t charge you loads of money for Jameson whiskey. But to be totally honest, I come here for the foosball,” Jensen smirked.

 

“Really? You play?”

 

“Oh yes. And we don’t just play, Jay, we conquer. Me and Fistus Dei, that is.”

 

Jared laughed at Jensen’s playful attitude. “Fistus Dei? What the hell is that?”

 

Jensen smiled and patted him on the back. “The Hand of God, Jay, the Hand of God.”

 

Jared laughed, and it was one of his all-out head tilted back come from his toes laugh. “Oh man, that’s awesome! But I’m sure I could take you.”

 

Jared’s nervousness was beginning to dissipate a little, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the light ribbing he and Jensen were sharing, or the beer he’d been drinking, but he was feeling lighter.

 

“We have to see about that.” Jensen peered around Jared, saying, “Um, hi?”

 

Jared noticed Chad was still standing there open-mouthed, looking caught between wanting to say something and sort of dumbstruck amazement.

 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. Jensen? This is Chad. Chad? Jensen. He’s my philosophy professor.”

 

“Nice to meet you Chad,” Jensen said, shaking the still-gawking boy’s hand.

 

“Yeah, you too man. Jay can’t stop talking about your class. Well, he can’t stop talking ever, really, but especially about your class.”

 

Jensen chuckled. “Good, I’m glad. So, are you guys up for some foosball?”

 

“Naw, man, I’m gonna sit this one out, that way we don’t have to take turns.”

 

Jared could hug Chad for trying to give him some alone time with the love of his life. Okay, yeah, that was a little dramatic, but whatever.

 

“No, we can play two-on-two. Chris!” Jensen turned and was shouting at someone hovering near the dart board a few feet away.


	11. Can You Feel My Heartbeat When I'm Close to You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Heartbeat" by Tahiti 80.

‘Chris’ was shorter than both Jensen and Jared, but man, he was intense-looking. He was a bit stocky, but looked like he was made of muscle, and he had his long hair pulled into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. Upon hearing his name, he made his way over to the table, looking a little skeptical, or cautious, or disinterested. Jared wasn’t sure. But there was an intensity in the man’s eyes Jared wasn’t entirely comfortable with. He felt like he was being evaluated.

 

“Jenny! What can I do for you?”

 

Jensen stiffened at the nickname, but obviously decided to let it slide.

 

“Chris? I’d like you to meet Jared and Chad. Jared’s my first advisee at HVSU and Chad’s his friend. Chris is a friend of mine from way back.”

 

Chris shook their hands in turn. “Nice to meet you guys. So you’re Jared, huh? Jenny can’t stop talking about you.”

 

Jensen coughed into the whiskey he was sipping. “Enough with the ‘Jenny’, _Chrissy_.”

 

“Really?” Jared asked. “What’s he been saying?” Jared could feel his eyes glittering with the excitement he was trying so hard to keep at bay.

 

“Oh, you know, ‘Jared’s really smart’, ‘Jared’s a great student’, ‘Jared likes The Smiths’, blah blah blah.”

 

“Ohh -kay, so let’s play,” Jensen interrupted, before Jared could inquire further. “Now, since Chris and I have been playing this beautiful game longer than I’m sure you two have, we should split up. And Chad, I saw you playing earlier. There is no spinning allowed.”

 

 _I love you!_ Jared thought, as Chad was looking slightly affronted.

 

“Look, Ackles, I won’t need to spin shit to kick your pretty ass.”

 

Laughing, Jensen said, “Good to know, Chad. Why don’t you and Chris take the yellow team and Jay and I will be green?”

 

“Alright, Jenny, let’s do this. Ready to rule the world, Chad?”

 

Chad looked delighted to have been paired with Chris.

 

“Hell yes. Let’s do this!”

 

They played for a couple of hours, and the games were pretty evenly matched. All four men were enjoying themselves immensely, and when Jensen’s hand would brush Jared’s while grabbing for the handles that controlled their team’s back line of players, Jared did his best to chalk it up to necessities of game play. During what was declared their last game of the night, Jensen began telling a story.

 

“You know guys,” looking at Chris and Chad while he lined up the foosball at the back line, volleying it between two of the small men, “the Pope had a set of guards to protect him, and they were fierce in their duty. This was long before the Popemobile, of course.” Chris rolled his eyes like he’d heard this story a million times before.

 

Jensen was still shifting the ball between the plastic men. And Jared was staring at him.

 

“You know what they called that guard? They called it ‘Fistus’”…Jensen lined up the shot, and with a quick flick from his right wrist, he shouted, “Dei!” And the ball rocketed past the defenders of Chris and Chad’s team right into the goal, effectively ending the game and any and all shit talk.

 

Upon seeing the ball go into the goal, Jared whooped loudly, and grabbed Jensen into one of his giant, crushing hugs.

 

“Holy shit, Jen, that was awesome!”

 

“I told you I conquer, Jay.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Chris said. “You know how many times I’ve heard that fucking Fistus Dei shit over the years? Probably more than Chad has gotten rejected by hot girls.”

 

“Hey!” Chad said, looking faux-hurt, “I have no problems with the ladies, Chris. Fuck you.”

 

Jared realized his arm was still around Jensen, and when the realization dawned on him, he glanced at him and those green eyes were looking into his, and Jared had to remember how to breathe. He yanked his arm away like it had been burned, but Jensen also had his arm around Jared, and when he pulled his arm away, it wasn’t a yank, but instead an excruciatingly slow glide, and Jared felt the contact on a molecular level. Jensen smiled sweetly at Jared as he did it.

 

“Well gents, it was awesome getting my ass handed to me, but Jared and I gotta head home. Unlike you fuckers, we have homework that we must attend to tomorrow,” Chad said as he poked both Chris and Jensen in their chests.

 

“Okay man, it was great to meet you. And you too, Jared,” Chris said, and headed up to the bar.

 

“Uh, I’m gonna grab the car, Jay, I will meet you out front. Later, Ackles.”

 

Again, Jared wanted to buy his best friend a giant present for having pretty much read his silent pleas for some alone time with Jensen. Chad turned on his heel and walked out.

 

“Man, that was so fun,” Jensen said happily. “Thanks for playing. I haven’t played two-on-two like that in a long time. Chris and I used to play in college. We’d host these little tournaments.”

 

“Yeah? D’you win?”

 

“Always.”

 

Jared laughed at Jensen’s smug countenance.

 

“So Jared, I wanted to ask you something.”

 

Jared’s stomach almost fell to his shoes. He knew Jensen was gonna ask him what the hell he was thinking by crushing on him, tell him he’d figured it all out, that their _thing_ , or whatever it was couldn’t happen because Jensen didn’t like him like that, or one of the other ten million scenarios Jared had imagined. Jared put on his brave face.

 

“Okay, shoot.”

 

“How do you decide which songs to put on a mix for which people?”

 

Jared exhaled loudly and felt a little lightheaded, because he’d been holding his breath for what felt like an eternity while he waited for Jensen to drop the bomb. The brief relief he felt at not being crushed by said bomb was short-lived, however, and now Jared had a new problem. What the hell should he tell Jensen? He didn’t think “Well, I basically can’t tell someone how I feel about them without using someone else’s songs to do it, and unless you’re completely blind or didn’t understand any of the songs on the mix, you can see I’m crazy about you” would be a good way to go about his explanation.

 

“Hmm, well, it’s not that easy to explain. See…” And just then his cell went off. He had a text from Chad that said, _Get your hand out of his pants and let’s go!_

 

And before Jared had to go into his explanation any further, or well, at all, he was saved by the bell. Or, the Chad, in this case. Yeah, he needed to build a shrine to that fucker at this point.

 

“Shit, Jen, I’m sorry. Chad’s losing his shit out there waiting for me. Rain check on that explanation?”

 

“Sure, Jay. I’ll see you Tuesday, yeah?”

 

“Totally. Bye!”

 

He waved at Jensen and sort of jogged toward the door. He risked a glance back once, and he could swear he saw disappointment marking that gorgeous face. It made Jared smile that he could (he hoped) affect Jensen like that, make him pine, perhaps.


	12. I'm Just Thinking About the Fireworks That Go Off When You Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Don't Get Me Wrong" by The Pretenders.

The remainder of the Winter semester passed Jared by in a blur of readings, papers, shifts at Afterwards, and pining after Jensen. Jared didn’t mind any of it, really; after all, he loved school, and with school came Jensen, so that made him love school even more.

 

Mid-April loomed over him now, though, and his exams and papers haunted him daily. He knew Russian would be an easy A for him, as would his other classes, but he was most concerned about Aesthetics. He had no idea what to write his final paper on, and he wanted so badly to impress Jensen.

 

Jared hadn’t made Jensen a third mix, but Jensen had made it clear to Jared how much he enjoyed listening to the second one. They still chatted online occasionally, but Jared didn’t want to seem like a stalker, and even if Jensen did like him, he knew Jensen adhered to the code of ethics he accepted by being a professor at HVSU. Jared wasn’t about to fuck that up for him.

 

Jared had no idea Jensen would be the one to fuck it up.

 

Jensen had given Jared a ride back to Hoobler after having another night of epic foosball matches between Jared, Chad, Jensen, and Chris. It had become kind of their thing; they’d meet up at the table at Essex House, trash talk one another, and Jensen and Jared would come out champions.

 

Jared loved the closeness he could share with Jensen, and he firmly believed that though he couldn’t act on it, Jensen felt the same way. So when Chad sidled over to some blonde girl at the bar (yeah, he and Sophia didn’t last – big surprise there, ‘cause Chad was still a dick), Jared knew he was sort of screwed.

 

“Jay, I can give you a ride home, it’s no big deal. Looks like Chad is in no hurry to leave.”

 

“No, it’s okay, Jen, you don’t have to. You live here in town and I don’t want you to have to drive all the way back to campus for me. Besides, the roads aren’t that great still.”

 

April in Michigan never guaranteed spring, especially early-to-mid-April. The roads were still icy at night because it would rain during the day and freeze over pretty quickly.

 

“Really, Jay, it’s not a problem. I can always stop by the office and grab a few things anyway.”

 

And with Jensen smiling at him like he was the only person in the world he smiled for, Jared couldn’t resist.

 

“Oh, man, okay, thanks! You’re really saving my ass here. I can’t take it when Chad tries charming women with his ‘Just call me The Chad’ line. Ugh.”

 

Jensen laughed and slapped a hand on Jared’s shoulder.

 

“Okay, then, let’s head out.”

 

The drive back to campus was nerve-wracking. Jensen had the CD Jared had made him in his car’s CD player and it came to life as Jensen started the car. Of course, Muse’s “Starlight” was on. Jared sort of half-grimaced because the line “I just wanted to hold you in my arms” was something Jared found himself half-singing, half-humming whenever Jensen was near. He couldn’t help himself. And now, Jensen was doing the same thing to the same lyric, and Jared knew, he _knew_ this was his not-so-subtle attempt at telling Jared he got the message.

 

Thankfully, Jensen didn’t say a word to Jared as they drove, seemingly content to hum and sing along to the CD Jared knew he loved. By the time they arrived outside Hoobler, the CD had started back over and The Police’s homage to _Lolita_ was tinkling quietly as Jensen pulled into a parking spot outside Jared’s living center.

 

As Jensen threw the car into park, Jared couldn’t help but hear the lyrics of the song, loud and clear, as if he was wearing headphones and not tuning in to the music turned down low in Jensen’s car:

 

“Temptation, frustration, so bad it makes him cry. Wet bus stop, she’s waiting, his car is warm and dry…”

 

There’s no way in hell Jared would have put these songs on Jensen’s CD if he had any idea he’d be made to listen to them in the car…with Jensen…and the obscene amount of sexual tension between them. Pulling himself out of the song, he reached for the door.

 

“Okay, Jen, thanks so much for the ride. You saved me from a night of The Cha-,” and before Jared could get the sentence out, Jensen had leaned over to him from the driver’s seat and kissed him.

 

The kiss was so gentle Jared wasn’t sure it was really happening, but that sure as hell didn’t stop him from kissing back, just in case it was real.

 

The kiss was chaste, but with a hint of something more, and Jared loved how Jensen’s bottom lip, slightly plump and perfect, fit between his. He loved how Jensen’s hand had cupped his cheek and how his thumb was moving back and forth over the skin just next to his ear.

 

Jared was going to kick himself tomorrow for not paying closer attention to what was happening in the kiss, like, how Jensen smelled or what his skin and freckles looked like up close, but all he could think were random thoughts all coming to him so quickly he couldn’t focus on just one, so his brain was just cranking _shitshitshitohmygodjenseniskissingmeandit’samazing_ out over and over again.

 

There was no tongue, nothing hurried, just Jensen’s lips on Jared’s, and it didn’t last long, but he knew it was the best however-long-that-moment-was in his whole life.

 

As Jensen pulled away from the kiss, he kept his eyes down, and the silencekilled Jared.

 

“I’m sorry, Jay. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry.” Jared thought Jensen looked near tears.

 

“What? No! Don’t be sorry, Jen. It’s okay. Really.” _Reeeaaaallllly_ , he thought.

 

“No, I shouldn’t have. Please forgive me. It’s not right. You’re my student. There are trust issues, and power issues, and fucking ethical issues.” Jensen didn’t sound angry, just resigned, sad, and even a little panicked.

 

“I know, Jensen. It’s okay. Hey, don’t worry about it, okay? No harm, no foul. Just caught in the moment, you know? Music does that to me, too. Just go home and listen to the mix and relax.”

 

Jared wasn’t going to fuck this up. He knew the relationship was not okay as far as teacher-student affairs go, but at the same time he didn’t want to give Jensen a reason to forget the kiss and what _could_ happen between them. Jared had a feeling it could be pretty damn amazing.

 

“Yeah,” Jensen said shakily, “yeah that’s a good idea. I’m gonna go.”

 

“Okay Jensen.” Jared got out of the car, watching Jensen back out of the parking spot and held up a hand in a goodbye gesture. Jensen didn’t return the wave, but Jared figured he was still pretty frazzled by the kiss.

 

As Jensen finally pulled out of sight, Jared flopped down into one of the parking area’s gross snow-banky slush piles that refused to let spring take it. He didn’t care how cold the wetness seeping into his pants was because he was on fire from the kiss. He knew Jensen would be an amazing kisser. A person can’t have lips like those and kiss like shit.

 

As Jared stared up at the clear winter night sky, he saw shooting stars and sighed. Well, Jensen likes him. What the fuck am I gonna do now?


	13. People Are Fragile Things...Be Careful What You Put Them Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Munich" by The Editors.

Walking in to his aesthetics class the following Tuesday, Jared kept his head low, because for once, Jensen was actually early. Before he could get clear of Jensen’s desk, though, Jensen spoke to him.

 

“Jared, do you have a minute after class?”

 

Jared noticed the look on Jensen’s face was hopeful, not angry or scared or full of hate, like he figured it would be. After all, he had taken it upon himself to make Jensen fall madly and irrevocably in love with him, and even if Jensen wasn’t there yet, he would hate Jared for tempting him.

 

“Sure,” he replied, trying to convey everything to Jensen through the look he was giving him. It was a look that said, “I’m sorry, I don’t want you to hate me, I want to kiss you again, I won’t tell anyone.”

 

Maybe Jensen understood what Jared was trying to communicate to him, because he nodded and offered a weak smile before Jared found his seat.

 

Jared didn’t really pay attention to a thing Jensen was lecturing about because he was too busy freaking out about what Jensen was going to say to him. He imagined it would sound something akin to “I never want to see you again,” but he couldn’t be sure, and he couldn’t stop hoping Jensen wanted them to be a ‘them’ as much as Jared did.

 

Jared tuned back into the class as Jensen was finishing up explaining why he was arguing with someone from college about Simon and Garfunkel being writers of pop songs and responding to the huffy sounds some of the other students were making at him for placing Simon and Garfunkel on par with pop candy played on the radio today. Jared thought he had a point, as Jensen was talking about pop music in the grand scheme of music and beauty, but before he could really venture into that thought any further, he realized class was over.

 

The other students had left the class by the time Jared had gathered up his belongings and stuffed them into his backpack. Jensen had left already, too, and Jared didn’t take that as a good sign.

He shuffled the few feet from the classroom to Jensen’s office and knocked softly on the door.

 

“Come on in, Jay.”

 

Jared’s heart fluttered at the sound of Jensen saying his nickname just like as it did every time, and he slowly pushed open the office door. Closing it behind him and leaning against it, he said,

 

“Jensen, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Jared, don’t, please. We can’t talk about this here, and we definitely need to talk about this. Do you have to work today? Can you come for a ride with me? I know it’s a terrible time in the semester to keep you from your homework or something, but we really need to be alone for this.”

 

Jared was surprised that Jensen hadn’t just ended everything very quickly, insisting Jared and he would remain in a relationship of teacher and student, nothing more, and leave it at that. But he wouldn’t let himself get too hopeful over the conversation Jensen insisted he and Jared have, for Jared figured it would just be a longer, more painful talk about why ‘Jared and Jensen’ could never happen, as long as Jared was a student at HVSU, and especially because Jensen was Jared’s fucking academic advisor.

 

“Yeah, I’m free all day. I was just gonna go home and stress over the paper for your class, but I’ve been a bit distracted and I don’t think not talking about this will help.”

 

They made their way out to Jensen’s car, and Jared couldn’t help but tilt his face up to the sun and breathe in deeply. Jared loved the smell of spring in Michigan. It was an indescribable smell, but everyone in Michigan knew the smell regardless.

 

When Jensen started the car and the stereo came to life, Jared tensed. Of course, Jensen still played the mix Jared made him in the CD player.

 

This time,“Quicksand” was on – a newer song on the mix. Jared loved older music, especially stuff from the 80’s, but he couldn’t help himself with that one. He really felt like he was sinking when he was with Jensen. But for Jared, it was an amazingly good thing.

 

Jared didn’t ask where they were headed because he was content to go anywhere with Jensen, especially when he could sneak glances over at him and see how the spring sunshine made Jensen’s skin look like it was glowing. Jared couldn’t breathe very well. He was zoning out, staring out the window listening to When In Rome relaying a message from him to Jensen that “if I had to walk the world I’d make you fall for me,” when the car came to a stop. Jared pulled himself out of his slouch and looked up at the house in front of him.

 

“Where are we?”

 

Jensen answered nervously. “We’re at my house, Jay. Please don’t get the wrong idea, I just thought this would be a safe place to talk.”

 

“No, it’s okay, Jen. I just wasn’t expecting to ever be here, that’s all.”

 

After getting out of the car and closing the door, Jared stood and stared up at the cool-as-hell looking Victorian home. He couldn’t wait to see the inside, to see what Jensen was like outside of school and the bar. He wanted to see where he made his coffee every morning, where he sat and graded papers, where he read, where he kept his books, where he sat at the computer and chatted with Jared, where he slept. Jared couldn’t help letting out a tiny whimper at the thought of seeing Jensen’s bed, the sheets rumpled from the most beautiful man in existence having slept underneath them.

 

“Okay, well come in?” Jensen climbed the stairs of the front porch and unlocked the door, ushering Jared inside. The house was as amazing and Jared thought it would be. Everything was beautifully polished wood: the stairs, the banisters, the floors, the archways. It was dark, and warm, and Jared was in love with it all. He’d always wanted to live in a big old house like this one.

 

“Jesus, Jen, it’s amazing! Does it have secret passages?”

 

And when Jensen answered him, it only further cemented why Jared was in love with him.

 

“I wish! I’ve been all over this house, top to bottom, and no secret passages to be found. There was more to the house, like a maid’s quarters, but that had been torn down long before I bought it. I figured if there were any secret passages they would have been connecting the service parts of the house to the rest, so yeah, it sucks.”

 

Jensen rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Do you want some coffee, Jay?”

 

Jared could tell Jensen was nervous, and that gave him a little hope. He figured Jensen wasn’t the kind of guy to be nervous if he was going to sever all ties to another human being; rather, he’d be less caring...or something.

 

“Yeah, that would be great, Jen. Thanks.”

 

“Why don’t you go wait in the library, and I will bring it in when it’s ready. The library’s just down the hall to the left. Make yourself at home.”

 

Jensen disappeared into the kitchen and Jared made his way to the library. And holy shit, it was some fucking library. It was Jared’s dream library actually, complete with tall walls filled with books and a rolling ladder to access them. Jared wanted to move in. Like, _now_. He perused the books for a while, seeing Jensen enjoyed trashy novels as well as philosophy, and it made him happy to see it.

 

Jensen returned with a tray filled with coffee cups, saucers, cream, sugar, and a little pot of coffee. Setting the tray on a small table in front of a very comfortable-looking couch, Jensen motioned for Jared to sit down next to him. Jensen poured the coffee and prepared Jared’s the way he liked it and handed the cup over. Jared took a sip and sat back, waiting for the hammer to fall.

 

“Jared, I want to apologize for what happened the other night. I shouldn’t have kissed you, but I also shouldn’t have left things the way I did.”

 

Jensen was facing him now, and he had taken his glasses off. His eyes looked a little sad, like he was defeated, but Jared couldn’t help but think the sadness in them made the green of Jensen’s eyes even more intense, if that was even possible.

 

“Jensen, seriously. It’s not a big deal. I know you know I like you. My overtures haven’t been anywhere near subtle, so it’s not like you were out of line. I wanted you to kiss me.”

 

Jared noticed that, with them facing each other like they were, their knees were touching. Jared’s skin burned. He wanted to reach out and touch Jensen so badly.

 

“No, Jay, it is a big deal. I took advantage of our close professional relationship. I knew you had feelings for me, and instead of reining my own feelings in, I ignored the implications of my actions and did what I wanted.” Jensen’s hand was on Jared’s knee now, though Jared didn’t think Jensen was aware of it.

 

“You’re just…you’re beautiful, Jay. And for as long as I’ve known you I’ve wanted to touch you, to kiss you, and I let that get the best of me when I shouldn’t have. It’s just that this has never happened to me before. I’ve had lots of students, and none of them have affected me like you do. They haven’t come close. No one has, in fact, student or otherwise. But I always want to be around you, you know? And when you made me those mixes I couldn’t pretend like you didn’t feel at least a little bit like I do.”

 

Jensen finished getting all those words out and licked his lips. Jared wanted to feel that tongue on his lips, but instead of launching himself at Jensen like he wanted to, he decided moving slower might be the better plan. Jared really couldn’t consider stopping to be an option anymore; he was so far gone for Jensen, and knowing Jensen felt the same was overwhelming him.

 

“I’m sorry Jen. I didn’t know I was bothering you so much.” Jared really didn’t know. He didn’t want to hurt Jensen.

 

He slid his hand up Jensen’s arm onto his shoulder and gripped lightly, reveling in the feel of Jensen’s soft sweater under his fingers. Jensen tensed a little at the touch, and his breath caught in his chest. Jared could tell he was holding back so much. He wanted to make him let go.

 

“That’s the thing, Jared, you weren’t _bothering_ me. You were, and are, driving me crazy.”

 

Jensen tilted his head so that it was resting on Jared’s hand, then he took in a small, shuddering breath and closed his eyes. Jensen stayed there a moment, then he stood up off the couch and walked over to look out the tall and narrow windows of the library. His head was hanging low and his hands were in his pockets.

 

“Jared, you have at least 2 years left at HV after this semester finishes. And as much as I want to be with you, I can’t sneak around. I can’t go against what I believe in, against everything I’ve worked for. I love teaching, Jay. I love helping students find something in philosophy to love.”

 

Jared had walked up behind Jensen while he spoke, and he stood so closely behind him that Jared could feel him quake at the feeling of Jared’s body behind his. He knew he shouldn’t tempt Jensen like this, but he couldn’t help himself. His heart and his body had taken over the show a long time ago and Jared just had to go along for the ride. He tilted his head down the few inches that separated them so he could whisper into Jensen’s ear. “Jen.”

 

Jensen tilted his head away from Jared’s mouth, and he knew it was because he wanted to feel more of Jared’s breath on his neck and ear. If that was what he wanted, Jared wasn’t going to disappoint him. And he wouldn’t touch Jensen...much. Jared made it clear that he wanted Jensen, and Jensen had made it clear that as long as they had the professional relationship they had, they couldn’t be together. So Jared would take what little pleasure he had from Jensen’s presence until this thing could work itself out.

 

“Jensen.” Jared spoke very softly and kept his tone low, almost dirty. Jensen shivered in response. “You drive me crazy, too. I sit in class and listen to you talk about beauty and philosophy and it kills me. I swear to God you’re the only person alive who can make Socrates sound sexy.”

 

Jared chuckled softly, and feeling Jensen relax a bit, he pressed a small kiss to the skin where Jensen’s shoulder and neck came together. _So much for not touching much, stupid._ But Jensen didn’t jump away from the kiss, and he didn’t say anything, he just stayed there with his head tilted.

 

Emboldened, Jared stepped further into Jensen’s space, so that he was almost flush with him, and pressed his body very gently against Jensen’s. Jensen’s head tilted back on to Jared’s shoulder then, and he pressed back against him, just as gently. He gasped softly at the feel of Jensen’s ass against his erection.

 

“Jared, please.”

 

Jensen’s plea was a whimper, but he wasn’t sure what Jensen was asking for. He decided to risk touching further to find out. He mouthed at Jensen’s left ear, delicately brushing his lips on the outer shell and couldn’t help but screw up his face because Jensen’s skin felt so good against his. Of course the “this shouldn’t be happening” of the situation made it insanely hot.

 

“What, Jen? What do you want me to do?”

 

Jared grazed the bottom of Jensen’s earlobe with his teeth, eliciting new sounds from Jensen that he thought were so hot he couldn’t help but moan softly in Jensen’s ear. This cycle of soft touches and moans made Jensen rock back harder against Jared, and he couldn’t keep it together much longer. He didn’t know how the hell Jensen could resist, because he knew Jensen wanted this as badly as he did.

 

“Fuck,” Jared whispered, and wrapped his right arm around Jensen’s stomach and pulled Jensen harder against him, while at the same time biting down on the spot on Jensen’s neck he was only moments ago kissing softly. The friction Jared created by pulling Jensen toward him made Jensen moan loudly, and to Jared it sounded almost pained.

 

Jensen wheeled around to face Jared, and he was only more turned on by what he saw. _How is that even possible?_ Jensen’s cheeks were flushed a gorgeous shade of pink, and his freckles stood out in stark contrast to them. Jared lost himself in the freckles for a moment, remembering that what he really wanted to see were Jensen’s eyes, filled with want and need. But looking into those eyes that made Jared die a little, but always in the best way imaginable, he certainly saw want and need, but he also saw tears.

 

His heart broke for Jensen then, because he knew without a doubt that Jensen was suffering as much as he was, and if that was true, it was also true that Jensen had fallen in love with him.

 

Jared wanted to be happy right then. He wanted to smile as dazzlingly as he could at Jensen, and declare his undying devotion to him. After all, his plan had worked; he had gotten Jensen to fall for him. Hard. Jared couldn’t smile, though, and he felt tears stinging his eyes as he stared at Jensen waiting for him to speak.

 

“Jared. Please. Please don’t. We can’t. Please.”

 

The words were barely whispers, and as he spoke, tears fell from Jensen’s eyes. Seeing such beauty marred by such sadness made the tears welling in Jared’s eyes fall, too.

 

“Okay, Jen. It’s okay. We don’t have to. You don’t have to worry. We will figure it out. But for now, I will walk away. I don’t want you hurting because of me.”

 

 _I’ve pushed him too hard. I’ve fucked it all up_ played on repeat in Jared’s head, and he knew he had to leave.

 

Jared squeezed Jensen’s arms, turned around, and walked away, feeling somehow, despite thinking he’d ruined everything, that this all had to be okay because if it wasn’t, if Jared really couldn’t have Jensen, he didn’t know how he would really be able to breathe ever again.

 

Taking one last look over his shoulder, he saw Jensen standing in the doorway of the library, his face crumpled and the tears falling quickly. Jared let out a small sob and turned away again, opening the door and walking out of the house that, for the short time he was in it, felt like it could have been home.


	14. All I Needed Was the Love You Gave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Only You" by Yaz.

Jared was moving on autopilot. Standing in front of Jensen’s house, the sunshine on his face felt strange as it tried to dry the tears that kept falling. He wanted to stop crying so badly, but he couldn’t.

 

He and Jensen were in love; of this much he was certain. But Jensen had said he wouldn’t sneak around for the two years he had left at HVSU, and Jared couldn’t be angry with him for that. He wanted to be able to be out with Jensen, share Jensen with his family and friends, and not be afraid of who might see them together. But as long as Jensen was his professor, his advisor, he couldn’t do that.

 

A new wave of anguish hit him then, and more tears came. And really, how could Jensen want to be with him, after all? Jared had decided that after college he wanted to go to graduate school. He wanted to teach philosophy like Jensen did. And he knew Jensen wouldn’t want to follow him all over the country while he finished school. That would be asking too much of him.

 

A feeling of worthlessness washed over him, something he hadn’t felt since Tait. Jared knew better, though, he knew Jensen loved him because of who he was, not because of something he wanted Jared to be. Jensen was nothing like Tait. But Jared succumbed to the feelings anyway, feeling so lost and useless. His broken heart didn’t care why he was in mourning; pain was pain.

 

Jared was walking toward downtown Spring Haven trying to figure out how he’d get home. He dug into his pocket and fished out his cell phone.

 

“Speak.”

 

“Chad?” Jared could barely find his voice.

 

“Jared? Jay? You there man? You okay? Where are you?”

 

“Chad. Yeah, it’s me. Um. Can you pick me up? Please?”

 

And Chad, despite being ‘The Chad’ was pretty awesome sometimes.

 

“Yeah, Jay. Anything you need. Where are you?”

 

Jared broke again at the sound of sympathy coming from his best friend, who only acted truly human when Jared was fucked up.

 

“I’m at the fountain in Spring Haven. Chad, we…he...”

 

“It’s okay man, just wait ‘til I get there.”

 

The line went dead. He knew Chad would be there in an illegal speeding amount of time, so he pulled out his iPod and decided to make himself feel even worse by listening to the mix he’d made for Jensen.

 

Scrolling down to the last song on the list and hitting play, he slumped down onto a bench by the fountain, and let his thoughts consume him. The song, Yaz’s “Only You,” filtered into his consciousness every now and again, so when Jared heard “All I needed was the love you gave. All I needed for another day. And all I ever knew, only you,” he couldn’t stop the tears…again.

 

Jared laughed sadly at himself, figuring he’d been crying constantly for over an hour now, and wondering when he’d simply run out of energy to cry. He listened to “Only You” a couple more times, really getting into the torture he was inflicting on himself, when Chad sat next to him on the bench.

 

“Hey,” Jared croaked.

 

“Hey Jaybird,” Chad said softly. “You okay man?”

 

“No. Definitely not.”

 

“Let’s go home. You can tell me on the way. And I swear I’m gonna be open-minded and hear the whole story before I decide to murder Ackles in his sleep.”

 

Jared gave a weak smile at Chad’s attempt to cheer him a little. Climbing into Chad’s car, Jared sighed heavily, and as Chad maneuvered his car toward the road that led back to campus, Jared relayed the whole tale to his best friend, sparing no details.

 

Chad sat and listened silently. When Jared was done, he looked to Chad for his response.

 

“Wow. Shit, Jay. Shit. That’s…that’s fucking…wow. I really could have done without your waxing poetic about Jensen’s eyes and how great his ass felt against your dick ‘even through clothing,’ but that’s one fucked up situation. I don’t even feel like hurting him, so that’s something. Isn’t there something you guys can do? I mean, this seems like some epic love story shit, and it can’t just end before it gets started, you know?”

 

“I guess it has to. I’m not gonna make him sneak around. I don’t wanna sneak around. And I can’t expect him to wait two years, let alone however long it takes me to get through grad. school and all that shit. It’s just such bullshit. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, Chad! He makes me feel like a good person, like someone worth loving.”

 

“Well, at the risk of sounding as gay as you, my man, you are worth it. Tait really did a number on you, didn’t he? Christ, I wish you’d let me at him. I’d break his stupid legs.”

 

“No Chad. No leg-breaking, nose-breaking, or any other kind of breaking. Tait’s not worth it.”

 

“Okay, no breaking. Can I burn his cameras, then?” Chad grinned at Jared mischievously, and Jared was finally able to smile a little.

 

“We’ll see, okay? If you’re good, maybe Santa will bring you a junior pyro kit for Christmas.”

 

He didn’t feel better, but being with Chad helped.

 

Jared had numbed himself enough that he could get through work at the café and study for exams. He was even able to find inspiration for his final paper for Jensen’s class. Originally he had plucked the Simon and Garfunkel debate from his mental file and was planning on writing a paper on Plato’s discussion of the Forms and how that related to all kinds of pop music, but in the end he decided he wanted to write about what he knew, and Jared knew music.

 

More to the point, Jared knew mixes, so he was struck with major inspiration when he decided to talk about the aesthetics of the mix and how it was unique to any philosophy of beauty.

 

There was a week of school left in the semester, followed by a week of finals. The Thursday after he and Jensen “broke up” Jared had gone to class, but it was so painful he left early and hadn’t been back since. He didn’t like to skip class, but he couldn’t bear to be near Jensen, and seeing as how Jensen looked as shitty as Jared felt, he thought he’d make it easier on his professor and stay away completely. He’d only miss a few classes anyway, and he didn’t think Jensen would mind.

 

Jared found the paper easy to write, easier than anything he’d written yet, and it made him proud to think he’d come so far in his understanding of philosophy. He knew he’d chosen the right career path.

 

So when it came time to turn the paper in, he slipped into the philosophy office and dropped the paper into Jensen’s mailbox. Jensen wasn’t in his office; Jared knew that because he had to pass his door on the way to the main office. After all it was Friday, and Jared was glad they didn’t have to run into one another.

 

After placing his paper in Jensen’s mailbox, he turned and smiled at the secretary. There were a bunch of papers and pamphlets on the counter in front of her, and Jared was looking them cursorily.

 

“Feel free to take anything you like. You’re one of our majors, right?”

 

“Yeah. I’m Jared Padalecki. Nice to meet you.” Jared extended his hand.

 

“Hi Jared, welcome to the program. I’m Debbie. Here, take a department newsletter, it’s the last one before summer.”

 

“Okay, sure, thanks.” Jared grabbed a newsletter and stuffed it into his bag. “Well, I better be off. Studying to do, you know. It was nice meeting you, Debbie.”

 

“You too, Jared. Take care and have a good summer.”

 

 

Deciding against returning to Hoobler, Jared figured that since it was a nice day he’d settle into the campus arboretum on a patch of grass and study. _Thank God it’s almost May_ , Jared thought.

 

He unpacked his books, settling in for a long afternoon of studying, and he pulled out the philosophy department newsletter. He flipped through it, quickly becoming bored, but then, on the back cover, something caught his eye. It was Jensen. There was a small picture of him, looking gorgeous, of course, and a blurb under his picture.

 

Jensen Ackles, Ph.D. will be leaving us this fall, accepting a tenure-track position at Spring Valley University in nearby Spring Haven.

 

The article continued, but Jared didn’t register anything beside the fact that Jensen was leaving HVSU.

 

“Oh my God!” Jared exclaimed, scaring a few squirrels foraging near him. He leapt up off the grass and sprinted home.

 

He threw the door open to his room, almost killing himself on the random shit Chad left in front of the door.

 

“Jesus, Chad! I could have been killed!”

 

“Shut up, you’re fine. What the hell’s up with you? You look like you won the lottery or some shit.”

 

“He’s leaving Chad! He’s leaving HVSU!! We can do this!”

 

“What? Where is he going?”

 

“Spring Valley. He took a job at SVU!” Jared was getting light-headed from the excitement overtaking him.

 

“Dude! Have you talked to him?”

 

Jared looked sheepish. “No. He emailed me a couple times, but I couldn’t read them. I just deleted them.”

 

“Fuck, Jay. Here,” he threw his car keys at Jared smiling. “Go get your boy.”

 

Jared squeaked, barely catching the keys. “Thanks, man. I will call you later!”

 

Jared drove so fast to Jensen’s house in Spring Haven he figured he had teleported there when he arrived, because he didn’t really remember the drive. He ran up the steps to Jensen’s house and banged on the door. He waited for what felt like forever, but probably only a minute before he banged on the door again, this time much harder.

 

When the door opened, Jared wasn’t prepared for the sight before him. Jensen looked like hell. He was still clean shaven, still had his glasses on, still was clean-looking, but he looked so defeated. His posture was that of someone who had given up, and he was wearing a t-shirt that was too big for him, and jeans that did nothing to show off how hot he was. He just looked so sad.

 

“Hey, Jen” Jared said quietly.

 

He didn’t know where to begin. He was freaked out by Jensen’s appearance. Even when he saw Jensen two days after their talk he’d looked bad, but not this bad.

 

“Jared. What are you doing here?”

 

“May I come in? I need to talk to you.”

 

Jensen stepped back from the doorway and gestured with his right arm for Jared to come in.

 

“I’m sorry I look like shit, but I wasn’t expecting anyone, let alone you.”

 

Jared could tell Jensen was being guarded, but he wasn’t sure why. They could be together now, couldn’t they? Jared started to worry that maybe Jensen wasn’t really in love with him after all, and that he’d used the student-teacher thing as an excuse.

 

They made their way not to the library this time, but to Jensen’s office. It was very cozy, with a couch made for lying down and reading on. Jared sat on the couch while Jensen occupied his desk chair.

 

“Do you want something to drink or eat, Jay? I could grab something.”

 

Jensen stood up as if to head for the kitchen, but Jared held out his hand in a stop gesture.

 

“No Jen, I just…I…I saw the newsletter today. You’re leaving HVSU?”

 

“Yeah. I’m starting at Spring Valley in the fall. It’s tenure-track, so that’s awesome. Why are you asking me this now, Jared? Didn’t you get my emails?”

 

“Oh. Um, about those. I may have deleted them before I opened them.” Jared’s head was hung low. “You told me about the job in the emails, didn’t you?”

 

“Yes, Jay. I told you in the emails. And when I heard nothing from you, I figured you didn’t want to see me or speak to me again. And that was only cemented for me when you never came back to class. I thought you hated me.”

 

Jensen was tearing up, and seeing Jensen cry killed him.

 

“Hate you! No! Fuck, Jen, I love you. I love you, like, it fucking hurts how much I love you. I didn’t read the emails because I didn’t want to see you apologize for stuff that wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want to keep reliving it.”

 

Jared was standing now, and he walked over to where Jensen was sitting and crouched down in front of Jensen between his legs, placing his hands on the other man’s knees.

 

“Can you tell me what was in the emails?”

 

“For future reference, Jared Padalecki, read the fucking emails I send you,” Jensen huffed. “I told you I had applied for the position at SVU in the fall, but it wasn’t looking like I would get it, so I didn’t want to say anything to you or start anything with you when it looked like I’d be staying at HV. But something must have fallen through, or some extra funding came through because they called and offered me the spot. I jumped on it, and immediately sent you the emails. I explained that I was so sorry for what I put you through, that I love you, and that we could be together because I wouldn’t be at HVSU anymore. And when you didn’t respond, I lost it. And so what you see here,” and he gestured at his appearance, “is the outcome of thinking I’d lost you for good.”

 

Jared only heard bits and pieces of what Jensen had just told him, because we was hung up on the ‘I love you’ part.

 

“You love me?” Jared looked up at Jensen, his eyes misted over.

 

“So much, Jay. You have no idea. You’re beautiful and funny and goofy and shy, and so smart. And God, you’re so sexy. I thought my head was going to explode when you were with me in the library that day.”

 

Jared smirked at Jensen, happy to know he could affect the green-eyed god at all, let alone make his head nearly explode.

 

“Yeah? Well, I’m sure you could feel what you were doing to me. Are doing to me.”

 

And with that, Jared climbed onto Jensen, straddling him in his chair. It was a slightly awkward arrangement, what with Jared being so damn tall, but neither man seemed to mind. He took Jensen’s face in his hands and just looked at him.

 

Then Jared kissed Jensen. And it was perfect.


	15. We Made A Connection, A Full-On Chemical Reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Shining Light" by Ash.

Jared had missed the softness of Jensen’s lips, and when he swept the tip of his tongue over the center of Jensen’s top lip, Jensen squeezed Jared’s hips that had him pinned to the chair and moaned and and let him in. Jared teased his tongue in and out of Jensen’s mouth, trying to drive him crazy, and it seemed to be working, because as he was about to deepen the kiss, Jensen surged forward with a low growl, grabbed Jared’s ass and brought them both to the floor.

 

Once Jensen was straddling Jared’s hips, he could direct the kiss the way he wanted, and that thrilled Jared. He delighted in feeling Jensen’s power. They wanted each other so badly, their kissing was fierce and possessive, and Jared fucking loved it.

 

He pulled Jensen’s too-large shirt off over his head, and ran his hands over the smooth expanse of skin on his back and chest that he had ached to touch for so long. Finally being able to, Jared let out a kind of sigh of relief, as if he needed Jensen’s skin on his so he could keep breathing.

 

He raked his fingernails down Jensen’s back, and Jensen arched away from him for a moment, clearly enjoying the tiny bit of pain Jared inflicted on him, because he returned Jared’s aggression by grinding his hips down onto his.

 

“Fuck, Jay. You’re killing me. You’re so fucking hot.” Jensen said as he moved down Jared’s body to lift up his shirt and kiss the muscles on his stomach.

 

The sensation was almost too much for Jared, like he could come just from Jensen’s lips on his abdomen. He tried to calm his breathing a little, because he wanted this first time to last a long time.

 

“Ungh. Jen. Fuck. I need you. I need you right fucking now.” And Jared pulled Jensen back up so he could kiss those perfect lips.

 

“Bedroom. C’mon.” Jensen jumped up and pulled Jared up off the floor, dragging him upstairs to his bedroom.

 

Despite the sex-haze Jared was in, he was lucid enough to get even more excited at the idea of finally being able to see Jensen’s bedroom. But as they walked into the room and Jensen pushed Jared onto the bed, he didn’t really have any time to register what the room looked like, and frankly, he didn’t care.

 

Jensen finished undressing, and when he pulled his boxer-briefs off, Jared’s mouth watered at the man’s body. Jensen really was perfect. He loved the slight bow to his legs, the way his freckles really were _everywhere_. Jared sat up on the edge of the bed and pulled Jensen in front of him so he was standing in the vee formed by his long legs.

 

Jared ran his hands up and down Jensen’s torso like he was worshipping him, and Jensen looked down at Jared like he was a gift he couldn’t believe he was allowed to have. Jensen carded his fingers through Jared’s hair, then leaned down to kiss him gently.

 

Breaking the kiss, Jared placed soft kisses to his chest, running the tip of his tongue over Jensen’s nipple and pulling a gasp from him.

 

“Jay, your tongue, Jesus,” Jensen half-mumbled. “Please.”

 

Jared smiled at the babbly things spilling from Jensen, and he trailed kisses down the middle of his abdomen, being careful not to miss an inch of the skin he now knew he could never live without. As he kissed, his hands skated around Jensen’s back down to his ass. Squeezing firmly and eliciting even more whimpered pleas from Jensen, Jared traced the line of his backside with a finger. The caress almost undid Jared, for every time he touched him, Jensen responded with ridiculously sexy sounds and soft tugs to his hair.

 

He needed to taste Jensen. Now. Moving his left hand to the back of Jensen’s thigh, he took Jensen’s length with his free hand and guided him to his mouth. Jensen had moved his hands to Jared’s shoulder, clearly needing to steady himself.

 

He rubbed the tip of Jensen’s cock over his bottom lip, smearing the liquid beading there and slipping his tongue out to taste what was only Jensen. The sensation of the pre-come on his lips combined with how amazing Jensen tasted made him reach down to his own cock so he could tightly squeeze the base of it and stave off the orgasm that kept threatening to come. Feeling more under control Jared sucked the tip of Jensen’s cock into his mouth, using his other hand to slowly stroke him. He teased the tip a little longer before taking the rest of the length in his mouth. Jared hummed his appreciation of Jensen’s body and that body jerked in response.

 

“Jared…I ca-…I’m not…nngh fuck.” With that, Jensen grabbed the back of Jared’s head and thrust forward.

 

Jared groaned, and opened his throat more so Jensen could fuck him. He had never felt anything so amazing in his life. Jensen fucked into Jared’s mouth a bit longer, and Jared figured the way Jensen’s pace was inconsistent he must be close to coming. With a quick jerk, Jensen pulled out of his mouth, and Jared made a sound to indicate his disappointment.

 

“Lie back, Jared. I wanna lie down with you.”

 

Jared slung his legs onto the bed and shimmied over to give Jensen room to lie next to him. Damn, the sheets were soft, made of real linen, or something. Jensen lay on his side facing Jared, Jared mirroring his position.

 

“Is everything okay, Jen? Did I do something wrong?”

 

Tucking Jared’s hair behind his ear, Jensen spoke softly, reverently, saying, “Everything is perfect, Jared. I just don’t want to rush this. We have all kinds of time, and I don’t want to miss feeling everything with you.”

 

“Yeah. Okay, Jen. Whatever you want.” Jared said, as he kissed along Jensen’s jaw.

 

Jensen pulled away and looked at him with a very serious expression, one hand cupping his right cheek.

 

“No Jared, not just what I want. I want to know what you want, too. And it won’t be you being needy or high maintenance, okay?”

 

Jared felt completely at a loss for words then, because he’d never felt so loved before. He thought his heart was going to burst through his chest.

 

“Jesus, Jen. Do you have any idea how amazing you are? I’m so in love with you. I wish I could make you feel like a tenth of how you make me feel, just so you’d see how incredible you are.”

 

Jensen pushed Jared onto his back with a strong, demanding kiss, and he felt like he melted into the mattress. That was so okay.

 

“I love you too, Jay,” Jensen whispered as he broke the kiss. He nuzzled against Jared’s neck then, biting gently at his ear and settling into the space he opened for him between his legs.

 

The urgency both men felt earlier had gone, and Jared relished the feeling of Jensen’s weight on him, as they gently rocked against each other. Leaning back a little, Jensen reached down between them and stroked them both slowly, all while kissing Jared’s neck and whispering an almost constant stream of words filled with love and praise.

 

Jared trailed his fingers up and down Jensen’s back, too lost in the sensation of his hands and lips to form any of his own words. Finally able to find a lucid moment, Jared realized how badly he wanted to feel Jensen come apart for him. He gathered what little strength he had left and rolled them over so that he was on top of Jensen.

 

He took Jensen’s cock in his hand and started a faster pace than Jensen had had them at. Looking into the green eyes he hoped he’d being seeing forever, Jared said, “Jen…Jen…Let go. Please. Come for me.” He leaned forward and took one of Jensen’s nipples in his mouth, nibbling it lightly while Jensen’s hands tangled themselves in Jared’s hair.

 

Jensen started rocking even faster into Jared’s grip. “God Jay, you’re perfect. You feel so fucking amazing. God.” He panted and moaned, and pulled Jared up to kiss him.

 

Jared kissed him fiercely, moaning into his mouth, and that was what it took for Jensen to lose it. He came over Jared’s hand and his own stomach, and Jared couldn’t get enough of the slick feeling of Jensen’s release on his own skin. It turned him on even more, and he wasn’t sure how that was possible.

 

Jared lay down beside Jensen, running his hand across Jensen’s stomach and gazing at the happy, soft grin that played on his face. He was vibrating with desire and the need to find his own relief, but the love he felt for the man next to him was enough to calm him…a little. Still, Jensen must have sensed he was enjoying his post-orgasmic bliss for too long, and before Jared knew what was happening, Jensen had slid down his body and planted himself between his legs.

 

Jared wasn’t about to say “No Jen, you don’t have to, it’s okay,” because for fuck’s sake he wanted it. In his head Jared could only think _yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!_ because he knew his fantasies didn’t hold a candle to the reality of Jensen. He decided to enjoy every second, finally feeling like maybe he deserved this kind of happiness.

 

Jensen flicked his tongue out at the tip of Jared’s cock, and his hips shot up off the bed. He chuckled lowly and placed an arm over Jared’s hips to steady him. “Relax, Jay, I want you to feel all of this.” He wasted to no time in taking Jared in his mouth, sliding down as far as he could, while using the hand that wasn’t pinning Jared down to softly scrape his nails up and down Jared’s thigh. Jared thought he really could die from this; it was that good. Jensen hollowed out his cheeks and began sucking Jared in earnest, moving quickly up and down the shaft, never easing the suction. It was noisy and messy and the hottest fucking thing Jared had ever experienced.

 

And if Jensen was a talker without Jared’s cock in his mouth, right now he was all business, and Jared noted, though hazily, that he’d have to buy Jensen a thank-you card or something.

 

Jensen’s hand skated back up to Jared’s cock and, never letting up on the incredible suction he created, moved his hand counter to his mouth. “Jesus, fuck, shit, yeah Jen, that’s it,” he said as he held on to the sheets for dear life. “Right there, don’t you dare fucking stop.” Jensen hummed his approval of Jared’s bossiness and the vibrations shot through his whole body. “Jen I…I’m gonna co-…oh my God your mouth…oh fuck I’m gonna come.” Jensen didn’t let up, and Jared’s orgasm tore through him like it was the first one he’d ever had; no matter how well Jensen had him pinned, he arched up into his mouth coming for what felt like forever.

 

When he was finally floating back down from the most incredible high _ever_ , Jensen released Jared and climbed back up to kiss him. Jared thought that at this point everything Jensen did was the hottest fucking thing in universe. They were both sweaty and tired and sticky, but it didn’t matter. He turned Jensen onto his side and folded himself around the slightly smaller man.

 

“Um. Holy fucking shit, Jen. That was beyond anything I’ve ever…God…in-fucking-credible. I love you I love you I love you. I will never get tired of telling you that I love you, Jen.”

 

“And I will never get tired of hearing it, Jay. I love you, too. So much.”

 

Jared kissed the back of Jensen’s neck, so happy he could cry, and drifted off to sleep.


	16. Epilogue - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from The Smiths song of the same name.

The morning sun filtered into Jensen’s bedroom, and that combined with a faint _clickity-click_ sound slowly brought Jared to consciousness. He opened his eyes and remembered that the night before wasn’t a dream; he really was in Jensen’s bed, under Jensen’s ridiculously soft sheets, and he and Jensen really were stupidly in love. Jared’s face hurt, he was smiling so much.

Jared sat up in bed a little, realizing that the clicking sounds he heard were probably Jensen doing some writing in another room. Glancing over at the clock on the table near the bed, he saw it was just about 8:30. Taking the opportunity he missed last night to look around the room, Jared was eager to absorb more of everything that was Jensen. The room was decorated in muted, calming greens and browns; and, just as in the rest of the house, the hardwood floor and accents were pretty breathtaking. _So, Jensen, when can I move in?_ he thought. Jared was in love with Jensen’s house almost as much as he was with the man himself. Almost…but not quite.

Jared heard Jensen still clicking away, so he decided to rouse himself from the bed and seek out the source. He found Jensen just down the hall in his office seated at a small desk that faced the tall windows of the room. He walked up to Jensen and wrapped his arms around him, kissing him on the cheek.

“Mornin’, sunshine.”

“Mmm, good morning to you, too.” Jensen turned his chair around so he was facing Jared. “How’d you sleep?”

“Best. Night. Ever. Both before sleep and during, thank you very much.” He gave Jensen his brightest smile.

Jensen answered the smile with one of his own, and the sight made Jared swoon a little. “Agreed. What do you have going on today? Work? Studying? I don’t want to keep you from your exam prep.”

“Nah, no work today. I work tomorrow and next week, then the café closes for the summer. I guess I need to get started on the whole summer job search thing, huh?”

 

“Well, I hope you don’t have to do that today, because I was kind of hoping you’d hang out with me. You could study and I could bring you coffee and snacks.” Jensen looked down at his hands folded in his lap then glanced back up at Jared. “You know, if you want to, that is.”

“Hell yes I want to! Good luck getting rid of me! And lucky for you I brought all my stuff with me to study.”

“Lucky for me, indeed.” Jensen eyed Jared mischievously. “So I was thinking. Um. What happens this summer? Are you heading home?”

“No. Aldina is really small and sorta isolated, so I never go home for the summer. I mean, I go home to visit, but I stay here and work. So yeah, I will be around. Primo Jen and Jay time for us.”

“About that. I know you can’t stay in Hoobler over the summer, so if you wanna stay here with me you can. You can have your own room and everything. It would be awesome to have you here.”

Jared looked at Jensen like he was a god, or something. _Well, he kind of is_ , he thought. “Really? Like, for real? Oh my God, Jen, that would be amazing. This house is fucking awesome. And if you make me have my own room I will cry like a little girl, and trust me, you _so_ don’t wanna see that.”

“I don’t know, that could be pretty damn entertaining,” Jensen mused.

“Entertaining? Fuck you! Fine, how about this? You make me have my own room and you get no sex. Ever. Never ever.” Jared playfully poked Jensen’s chest to emphasize his point and to let him know he wasn’t actually upset.

“That’s just cruel. Besides, I was just trying to play it cool. I’d be the one crying like a little girl if you had agreed to take your own room.”

“Sweet. It’s decided. Now,” Jared said, gesturing to Jensen’s computer, “what are you working on? Your incessant clicking woke me up.”

“Oh this? It’s nothing.” He quickly closed the laptop to shield the contents from Jared’s prying eyes.

“You can tell me. You writing a book or something? Isn’t there some publish-or-perish crap you have to deal with as a professor?”

“No. Well, yeah, there is the whole publishing thing, but that’s not what that is.” Jensen was blushing. Why was he blushing? He’d seen the man naked, and Jared knew Jensen had absolutely nothing to blush about.

Jared figured there was only one way to get the truth from Jensen, and it involved the dreaded tickle torture. He wasn’t sure if Jensen was even ticklish, but he took a chance, stepped closer to him and poked under his arms. Jensen jerked back so fast he almost fell out of his chair.

“Okay! Fuck! I’ll tell you! Just please, no tickling! Josh tortured the shit out of me with that when we were kids!” Jensen couldn’t help his giggling, and Jared thought it was precious. _Precious?_ he thought. _Yeah, okay, precious._ He decided right then that Jensen was precious in every sense of the word.

Jared ended his assault and stood up with his arms folded over his chest as his right foot tapped the floor in mock impatience. “I’m waiting, Professor Ackles.”

“Ugh. I wanted it to be a surprise, but clearly that’s impossible. I’m making you a mixed CD, Jay. I wanted to make you something you’d really like to hear ‘cause you told me at some point you rarely get them. And I know how much you love music, so yeah. Surprise.”

 

“Jensen! That’s amazing! Thank you. Seriously, that’s so awesome. What’s on it?” Jared knew he was being a little hyper, but he was psyched.

“Nope. You have to wait. And don’t try to tickle it out of me. You had a fit when you thought I’d ruin the surprise of the mix you gave me. Now go be busy or something. I want to finish this.” Jensen shooed Jared out of the office.

Jared sighed happily as he crossed back into the room that would soon be his bedroom. He flopped down on the bed and gazed up in the ceiling, lost in blissfulness. He must have fallen asleep because before he was completely cognizant of his surroundings again, Jensen was standing over him holding out the CD.

“I’m really bad at giving gifts, so I’m going to give you this CD and scamper off to hide. And by hide I mean I’m gonna hop in the shower. You can listen to the CD now or later, and unlike you, I won’t be a tyrant ( _You and that damn sexy-ass wink_ , Jared thought) and tell you not to read the track list.” He handed the CD over and headed toward the door, but before leaving he said, “Jared? Thank you for coming here. I really thought I’d lost you.”

“Thank you for quitting your job. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” He got off the bed and backed Jensen against the door frame. “I really do love you, Jensen. Have for a while now.” He leaned in and placed soft kisses to Jensen’s neck, making him shudder.

“Thank you for loving me, Jared.” He put his hand under Jared’s chin and looked into his eyes. “I promise to make sure you know how loved you are, how beautiful you are. Everyday. I swear. I never want you to feel like I don’t love you.” He pulled Jared into a kiss that made his knees weak. Pulling back from the kiss he smiled the smile Jared wanted to keep only for him, and then continued, “I think loving you is all I know how to do now. Thank you for making my Ph.D. useless.” Laughing lightly at his own joke, Jensen kissed him again.

 

“My pleasure,” Jared mumbled into the kiss. He really looked forward to showing Jensen how much his pleasure it really was.

They traded sweet, slow kisses for a few minutes more before Jared pushed Jensen out the door. He had a mix to obsess over, after all. He turned the CD over and read the track list because, despite his constant demand that people wait to read the track lists for the CD’s he made them, like hell he was going to wait. Besides, Jensen had given him permission to look. Before he read the list, though, Jared decided he wanted to start listening to the mix right away, so he ran downstairs to his backpack to grab his laptop. Hauling it back to Jensen’s bed, he popped the CD into the laptop, pulled up iTunes, put his earbuds in, and hit play.

Settling back onto the pillows, he finally read the track list for _Because I Feel So Much For You_ , and smiled because he thought the title was pretty damn good:

“Singing In My Sleep” – Semisonic

“Inner Smile” – Texas

“Walking On Sunshine” – Katrina and the Waves

“Sweet Disposition” – The Temper Trap

“Undisclosed Desires” – Muse

“A Life Less Ordinary” – Ash

“Something So Strong” – Crowded House

“Look At You” – Screaming Trees

“Come On Get Higher” – Matt Nathanson

“God Only Knows” – The Beach Boys

“Just Like Heaven” – The Cure

“Head Over Heels” – Tears For Fears

“Dreams” – The Cranberries

“Heaven” – Warrant

“Just What I Needed” – The Cars

“Just Like Fred Astaire” – James

Jared had heard the first song on the mix before: it was about how you can fall in love with someone because of the songs they put on a mix for you. He had loved that song from the first time he’d heard it on the radio. It was then that he figured Jensen knew his shit when it came to making mixes. _Yeah_ , Jared thought, _Jensen and I are gonna be epic._ He closed his eyes and let the music wash over him as he thought about all the things he wanted to do to Jensen after he got back from his shower.

 

FIN


End file.
